How Not To Be In A Dysfunctional Relationship

cartoon-cute-couple-free-127463

Just when you think I’m posting a rant, I’m not. :lol: Do you know this song, Be Honest by Jason Mraz? I’d love to post the video here but videos don’t go well with my template so just click the link and give yourself a treat, okay? Besides, how can you relate with what I’m about to say if you don’t listen to it?

Anyway, the other day, I think this is before I got ill, I’m talking to a friend and somewhere along the conversation, I threw this question: “If you love someone will you really want to control and dominate them?

It proved to be a great conversation really and my opinion is summarized by the song above. When I was younger, it’s probably not the case but now the song says it all.

My friend and I agreed that if you love someone you have to let them do what makes them happy, set them free, and let them grow and live their lives. It’s surprising how all these can happen and you are still together, and in a very healthy relationship at that.

I think the problem is most people don’t know they are controlling and it’s kind of unfair, especially when people throw this for the sake of love. I don’t get it at all.

he's mine

The first thing that comes to my mind is trust issues, why people try to be controlling and dominating. However, I’m not at all convinced because there are many instances when there is no reason to distrust yet people are still freaking paranoid. This brings me to the second thing, which is insecurity. Then again, there are times when you give all the assurances to someone and they still feel insecure.

So bottom line is, the problem is with the controlling and dominating person. A person can be trustworthy to the bone, provide all the assurance in the world, but if this person is in a relationship with somebody with self problems, then it will not work out.

A person must be confident, secured, and assured in himself or herself first before this can be transferred to another in a relationship; as simple as you can’t give what you can’t don’t have, you know?

There’s actually a photo on Facebook Mother Goose shared that I found so annoying. It’s about one person wishing you can put a password on your lover so he or she is all yours. I’m like WTF, the person who made this shouldn’t get a lover but a plant! :roll:

girl releasing balloons

For instance, in my case, “There’s no dotted line to sign away your freedom. I’ll always stand beside you, don’t get me wrong. I don’t ask for much, just be honest, with me.” :)

Life doesn’t have to be complicated, you know? I can’t tell you how much thing go better when you don’t think too much and just enjoy the moment. For somebody who has been pretty controlling and dominating in the past, saying this makes me feel proud of myself. What do you know, I’ve grown a little bit!

I guess it’s just that I realized, “Who we are, when love is what it wants to be, we are free, and we are having the best day ever by far. I don’t ask for much, just be honest with me.” 

How about you guys, do you tend to be controlling and paranoid or you’re the chill type too? Don’t you go lying to me now, okay?

Photos taken from here, here, and here.

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60 thoughts on “How Not To Be In A Dysfunctional Relationship

  1. Im the possessive type.. yung tipong “gusto ko akin ka lang” .. which is hindi na masyadong healthy. Susubukan kong baguhin siya. Salamat sa post na to :)

  2. nabasa ko na ito dati ,hindi ko pala na-ipost ang comment hohoho!

    anyway, tama ka dyan. talagang may mga tao may sapak. you can’t control yung magkasalungat na dikta ng mind and heart.

    • i loved the way you put that, may sapak :lol: but that’s true. they are as they are and it can be challenging to deal with them.

  3. at kailangan ko pa talagang ihinto ang himig ng aking playlists para mapakinggan ang iyong “be honest” song na inihandog.

    may nagsabi sa akin, di naman daw talaga kailangan ang paghihigpit, basta tamang bantay lamang, ung tipong preventive measures lang, hehehe. tandaan, kapag sobrang higpit, metras na yan ay magpupumiglas.

    teka-teka, wala na ba ang “bag poetry weekend” na very good naman talaga.

  4. Now, back to your post… I’ve been meaning to comment on your actual post, which I think is great, btw.. I hope all young girls read this. Being honest is a MUST in any relationship but as you say, insecurities tend to get in the way. I’ve been in SO many relationships where I was the honest one. I’m VERY outgoing and kind of a people magnet which made WAY too many men insecure. It made them feel like they needed to put me in a locked box, kind of like the annoying password thing.

    I’ll share with you a story about my oldest daughter’s father. I was 17 when I had her. He was 21 and GORGEOUS. He was terrified that another man would look at me and that I would go with them, It got ugly, the extent of his control. There came a day where he didn’t even want me to go to work. By that time, I was 18 and HAD to work and go to college. He wouldn’t even buy diapers because he said that my dad, who he claimed was “rich” should buy those diapers for me. I was too proud to ask for financial help from my family so I worked as much as possible. One day, when I was living with Pete (baby daddy), I woke up and got ready to go to work. I had the baby with me and Pete was already at his job. I tried to leave the house but couldn’t get out the door. Why? I pushed and pushed ALL my body weight on that little trailer door but it wouldn’t budge. It took me a bit but I finally figured out that he had me locked inside! It PISSED me the hell off because, well not only the control thing, but what if that little piece of crap trailer caught fire and his baby and I burned alive because we couldn’t get out? I took a chair and knocked out the living room windows. THAT’S how I solved the problem. When I was safely outside with his daughter, I went to the door and saw that he’d place a sliding dead bolt on the OUTSIDE of the door. He should have known that NOTHING could have kept me locked away. My blood is boiling typing this. I never lived with him again and left him shortly after that.

    Leaving didn’t end that relationship. He began stalking me at work. He’d hide under the racks of clothes at the department store I managed. He got hauled out of the store by the police. I’d go out to my car and find suicide notes written on the back of Lipton Tea boxes, stuck onto my window. It came to an end one day when I was home alone with my baby. I was taking a bath and heard the door open. He’d picked the lock because I DID lock it. I ran outside naked because I heard the door close again. I found him trying to get into the car with my baby. He screamed at me that either I can get into the car with him or he was taking my baby to Indiana (I live in Missouri) where he was moving. I was screaming so loud that people called the police AGAIN. He knew the police were coming so he threw his baby onto the pavement and took off. ALL while I was naked outside. Whew.

    That could really be another post, right? There is SO much more. My point in telling you is that he was ALWAYS an insecure person but he’d NEVER acted this way with anyone else besides me. There was something about me that made him feel inadequate, not that I’m giving him an excuse. I know the woman he ended up marrying after being with her for MANY years. He was never that way with her. He told me it was because he loved me SO much and couldn’t live without me. He also didn’t love her as much. His words. If someone can’t love EVERYTHING about you and be secure that you’ll come back to them, it’s just not right. These relationships can become dangerous!

    To love someone means to give them the space they need so that they can grow personally as well as grow inside the relationship. Does that make sense. ALWAYS give them the space to come back to you or you won’t know if they even really love you.

    • wow that’s a fantastic story, thank you for sharing. i really don’t know what to say except i’m so happy you got out of that relationship. i’m sure it taught you a lot and it’s just incredible to have lived through that. love can be extreme and unhealthy, i agree. this is an example of how love does not always make things right. i’m learning this right now, btw, and it is an excruciating but beneficial experience. thank you for a lovely comment, i appreciate it.

      • Be sure and let me know if you do it so I can see what you have to say! Of course I don’t want you to worry about it if you don’t have time but you know I was thinking of you and that you have so much to share!

        • i will do it and thank you for giving me the chance to spill some stuff about myself i know i won’t think about when creating a blog post. :) i’ve been lazy lately with updating my blog but i’ll get to it. i have to do one book review then on to the nomination. thank you :)

          • Oooo! I love book reviews. I do a project with my 14 year old where I’m paying her to give me a book report on the books, most of them I get to choose. lol I depend on everyone to let me know what books are worth reading or not worth reading. I’ve got a library (that’s what I call it anyway) but I’m finding that she’s getting tired of the books that I have. lol

            Anyway, I wanted to say that I noticed what you were saying about not thinking of these interesting facts for a blog? Isn’t that the truth? There are so many things that I write about in an award acceptance post and I COULD be writing about them in their very own separate post… I just never think about it or think maybe it’s too heavy to give a whole post to. The thing I NEED to remember is that I started blogging so that I could be honest about what’s happened, without regard to other people’s feelings. YOU should remember that to. No matter HOW insignificant you think what you have to say might be, it could potentially help one person. OR maybe it will just help you to be honest about you own feelings. I think I’ll get back to that as soon as I can put my feelings into words. See! You made me think AGAIN! lmao

            • well i have a tab for books i’ve read. one thing i know will be good for kids is shade’s children. it’s interesting and entertaining. that’s a great thing to do too, encouraging them to read. it’s fantastic! about the blog posts, i used to be reflective before, most my posts are like that before then they evolved into lifestyle stuff mostly.

              • I’ll check out shades children!

                Blogs always evolve. I guess as long as you’re writing what you want to write about and not gear it toward what you think someone will want to read. I’ve been seeing posts written by women who talk about having writers block and then say they’re having trouble coming up with stuff that will interest people. That gets under my skin because I think we should write with ourselves in mind. You’re not always going to interest anyone else. However, that being said, I DO find myself wondering the same thing. Will this or that interest anyone. Yesterday I gave myself a good talking to! lol No more wondering what will interest people. Write for myself and the rest will follow. lol

                • that’s one thing that has never occurred to me. i just write what i have to say and that’s it. maybe it’s asperger’s but that’s how it has always been :) yes, blogs evolve based on where the blogger is in life. whichever way it goes, it’s a sign of change and growth so a good thing.

  5. It’s not my fault that I don';t trust men. I have no reason “NOT” to trust them. Whatever they say, I listen tongue in cheek. That’s why women should be independent and not depend on men, financially , most especially. Women should not trust men. Women should love themselves more .

  6. “Don’t you go lying to me now, okay?”- :lol: ok, i won’t…

    first of all, i haven’t been in any romantic relationship. but what the heck! :lol:

    im a bit paranoid… a bit… :lol: all i just want to have is a partner whom I can trust and with whom I can, together, develop a foundation of trust based on understanding. I am my own person and I demand freedom of thought to follow my own convictions. I have no interest in ‘two-timing’ and all I seek is sincerity and ‘straight-dealing’.

    so if my soon-to-be partner sufficed me emotional security, who am i to be paranoid? :lol:

    • you’re right, you’re a bit paranoid hehe don’t come into a relationship with a negative frame of mind. of course you want a relationship with someone because you want it to be straight! but i like that you are checking yourself somehow with that last bit. it’s all about building that trust, i guess; some hard work!

      • actually, PM, may bago na akong prospect.. :lol: and as you’ve said, just enjoy the feeling… naiintindihan ko na yung sinasabi mong negative frame of mind… :lol: kasi minsan, if everything goes serious, nakakatakot… kaya ayun… gusto ko na lang dalhin ako ng agos ng buhay… im practicing not to restrain >.<

        • good for you. don’t give yourself trouble basta hayaan mo lang, no pressure. isipin mo na lang kahit anong mangyari things have a way of turning out for the best. good luck! :)

  7. I am the chill type :). I don’t really have much relationship experience to speak of, bec back in the day I was aloof and don’t want to dive into a relationship just for the sake of having a boyfriend. I was content being single when all my friends have a man of their own (just like I’m content not having an IPhone when everyone else does). But the way I see it, moderation is the key. Just enough selos would keep the guy in check.

    • that’s fantastic. i agree, fake relationships are never good. a the end of the day you’re happiness will be determined by how true you are to yourself, real important stuff. i appreciate the last bit. a tad of mr. jeal is always cute.

  8. It was great to read a post of this stature from you PM! You write a lot online young lady, but you rarely ever let us see you. I mean this figuratively ma’am. It was great to read such an opinionated piece that not only was very well orchestrated, but also revealed you as a human being.
    As for your question – I’m in an odd mood, so I’ll answer you ma’am (although really, who cares?) I’m not controlling nor am I paranoid in a relationship. I don’t have trust issues per se, but if I commit to a relationship, in effect I am letting my guard down, which makes it so much easier for a woman to subsequently destroy me if she wishes to. Now, PM, I don’t know if you are aware, but there are certain scary women out there, who make you fall for them with their intellect and their spirit, heart, personality and beauty. Then, they have you right where they want you, and one day, unexpectedly, they rip out your heart, throw it to the ground, and jump up and down upon it, laughing hysterically as they do so. Scary stuff!

    • one thing i enjoy most about this blog is i can dump anything and everything most personal to me but only the worthy see it. it’s a most amazing thing. this one is very direct though and i’m glad this post entertained you. i understand what you mean with regards to women and in fact i know someone who reasons exactly like you. but my stand is simple: everyone will hurt you, mr. childs. the trick is to find that one person worth suffering for.

  9. Whoa, some of them hit certain nerves. Staph. LOL JK. My hypocrite self is saying, yes freedom trust happy happy joy joy but the truth is I have major trust issues. Like intense ones. It’s probably because of the many issues I have within. You know like the one line RuPaul says every time he ends his show: If you don’t love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else? Can I get an amen up in here? (God, I love that show.)

    • reflecting some of my sentiments above, elaine. bottom line is you can’t give what you don’t have. for a relationship to succeed it is a must that people are ready. it’s a lot about timing as my friend says. funny thing is most times people only look at their partners, not at themselves and hell breaks lose. it’s kind of hard, especially when you force it or one tries to tolerate it and be violated. it will end poorly for sure.

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