Prinsesa’s Anatomy

On two separate occasions, people who know me personally who have been reading my blog has asked me if I was sad. It came as a surprise, their inquiry. I did not notice that I was being melodramatic, was I really? All I knew was that I was severely short-circuit, the epicenter of a stress catastrophe. Now I stop to ask myself if I am sad. I rerun my last few days and found that I never said I was “actually sad”.

So does that mean I am happy? Well, I never said that. For a fact, I remember telling my closest people more than once in the last few months that I was unhappy.

In the past, my only problem was not eating vegetables; but as time goes by, I feel the psychological junk food I consume every waking day is very high, I now have two reasons for being unhealthy. God help me. I think I am too young to die.

Now I realize what is the difference between being a drama queen and a true attack of depression: it is a matter of consciousness.

I analyze and assess myself on an objective basis, splitting myself in two: a patient and the nurse. If I am to look at the subjective verbalization of the people around me telling me that I am “sad”, objective signs that must be present to validate the claim should be one or a few of the following: loss or a sudden increase in appetite, lack of interest in activities that are usually routine or enjoyed, spacing out unconsciously, a drop in interpersonal relations, anxiety attacks, stress bouts and confusion.

Or in my case, all of the above.

Our actions, or lack thereof, speak for ourselves, of who we are, of what we are.

The past days, I have found myself severely out of focus. I would like to say it has only been days, or maybe I have just lost count. The old cabbage seems to be floating in midair sans any content  yet it feels so heavy as if I have been slaving to death.

I am finding it difficult trying to shake my anxieties away. I am not even sure why I have anxiety attacks. It will be my birthday on Saturday; my cheeks should be numb in an anticipatory smile, yet I feel stupidly shaken.

I know I am stressed because last night it felt unbearable I sought for my guide – I watched Kung Fu Panda, again, for the one millionth time. Somehow it felt good, and when I start to feel my anxieties are about to creep up, I recite my line for the day: “You are too concerned with what was and what will be.”

Ahh… now that brought some much needed oxygen.

I started believing that I could be wrong.

PM has always conceded to life.

I cannot imagine how many bazzilion, godzillion times I have told myself that life is tough. I remember writing in a past newspaper column that life is a multiple choice question, either sink or swim. Now I realize, if life is really sink or swim, I am in deep trouble – I cannot swim. LOL.

Following a good friend’s advice, I have built my own bubble, one that is supposed to filter the world that the ones I permit will only be the thoughts and experiences that will reach my consciousness. I can tell you that it has worked well, until I noticed that bubbles are thin, globe-shaped air films that cannot filter even an ant without bursting into pieces that can hurt your eyes.

I have been braving annoying winds lately and I would like to think I have remained strong. But you know what? Times really do come when you just want everyone to disappear so that you can have enough oxygen to breathe.

Life is generously unbelievable that when it throws something at you, it is always grand, nauseating, and asphyxiating.

But I guess I’m keeping my head above the water. Maybe, life is supposed to be really unforgiving – that’s what heaven is for.

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Picture is not mine again LOL Got it from googlesearch.

Sleepy Jin

Amongst the many patients I saw yesterday at the hospital OPD, two struck me most.

One was a beautiful innocent girl who had a huge lump on her left chest. It was still unknown what was contained in that cyst-like lump – we did not have sophisticated machines in our primary hospital – but the doctor said it could be abscess or water, and it could also be malignant or benign, depending on the laboratory work that will present.

As I watch the little girl leave with her mother, it was as if I heard my heart broke into small pieces, looking at the pure innocent face of that little girl and how fragile she was in her early childhood, yet the state of her health – or her life – was so unstable.

It just felt so unfair. Here was a soul who was so young and fresh and had the whole world ahead of her yet was threatened with illnes and suffering, or death. Of course, there is also a chance that everything will be okay, and the sparkle on her eyes before she was out my sight, made me wish that it would be so too.

However, the next patient that stuck with me got a different side of me involved. She came in for anti0rabies shots because apparently, she got bitten by a kitten whom she found in her house and when she was trying to dispose it like some unwanted thrash, the kitten bit her on the arm, the appearance of the wound got her disturbed so she immediately sought medical intervention. Trying hard to keep my tone neutral, I inquired about the state of the kitten, and uncomfortably, she said her kid killed it.

It felt like I went blind for a few seconds because my pupils constricted so much because of anger. I really cannot imagine how inhumane some humans can be in treating animals. I cannot believe how some can call themselves human yet their concern for innocent and helpless animals measures to the emotional range of a monoblock chair. To be honest, I did not want to give that woman her shot, and I did not feel any guilt at all in wishing for rabies to get her. If it was any consolation, th doctor did not allow her to have her shot at our hospital, because her referral from the health care facility where she got her first shot was incomplete and vague.

Inside me, I felt some sense of redemption for that little kitten, whom I know for sure is now playing with a giant ball of yarn and is given warm ear scratches by the Absolute Whiskers up in cat heaven.

PM spent some time with her mentor today, with some friends, and spent some more to bond with family.

It was the perfect catharsis for my agitated waters, which has left me clouded since work at the university began. I know I have been going back and forth, feeling disgusted at one time, then liking work the next. To be honest, the gray area my work has created in my life has left me feeling stupid, the stupidest in fact in a long while.

But all of the venting out to people I trust and love, and whom I know emphatizes and supports me all the way, has left me with some form of peace of mind, letting me calm down and dilate my blood vessels that needed a break badly.

I have been thinking about what has been going on with me last night and it was ugly, so ugly in fact that I just came to a point where I said to myself that I am not tolerating it, much more, that I am not going to allow all of the work related stress to harass me into loosing any more sleep. I realized that if I continue to allow everything to get to me that easily, I might as well resign this early or else I am really predisposing myself for cancer.

Or maybe I just grew tired of whining and paying attention that I decided enought is enough. After all, musangs [wild cats] are a predator, not prey.

A very good point I considered in reflecting through all of these was this line exchange from the Disney movie Kung Fu Panda, if you have not watched it you are missing so much btw,:

Master Ugwey: “Look at this tree. I cannot make it blossom when it suits me nor make it bear fruit before it is time.”

Master Shifu: “But there are things we can control. Control where the fruit will fall, or where to plant the seed.”

Master Ugwey: “No matter what you do, that seed will grow to be a peach tree. You may wish for an apple or an orange, but you will get a peach.”

Now if only musangs grow on trees. LOL

If there was one thing that PM has always hated, it has been ambivalence.

In matters that has concerned me personally, I saw to it that everything was either a yes or a no – that was how I operated, and operated well I did. To be able to function properly, it was imperative that my disposition towards things was clear and strong. It gives me purpose and focus. This was the philosophy behind the house that Musang built.

Barely half a month into my new work, I have probably felt a godzillion, bazillion times torn between liking my work and loathing it to death. I hate talking about work but it has been all that I’ve blabbed about in my past entries. Gray area much. Ugh. The indecision is killing me and the last time I checked, I am too young to die.

Wait. Let me rephrase that. Teaching I love. Office politics I hate. My salary I love. Dying of cancer because of stress I hate.

Okay. So there is a sense to this after all.

I think I should go and make more paper cranes before I pass out due to hyperventilation. Ack!

As I set foot on the hospital yesterday morning and greeted the staff nurses, a loud sound from outside jolted all of us. We all rushed outside and obviously, it was an emergency case, a boy, a toddler, has drowned, and was dead on arrival.

I was not sure of the efficiency the health care team was able deliver the news to the family of the boy. Maybe, no matter how many years of practice and experience you have with this kind of thing, it is never easy.

It made me realize how simple life really is – there is an end, and it can happen any time, all of a sudden, and that’s it. Like my prepaid load expires just when I need it most, life and death can be a check that bounces off the bank and you are suddenly sank.

But you know what? I think the saddest thing in life is to die… while you live.

After a week of work, I think I am starting to be fine with the new playground I have. The fact that indeed, there are many people to share the sandbox with is starting to be fine. It’s all sinking in slowly and I am taking my time, almost savoring every moment of it.

It has been very interesting, and for what it is worth, PM is always on her toes. All of a sudden, an enigma appeared -  and when there is a ball of yarn, of course, the Musang will play.

My blogging has been affected adversely by work though. My bloghopping was reduced to none at all and I thank my friends who still visit me even when I am an absentee blog friend.  A few more days and I am sure our regular programming will return to normal.

So far, the good news is, PM is smiling again – and a big one at that.