Prinsesa’s Anatomy

‘Realization’ is one of my favorite words.

I totally agree with Freud when he postulated that the human subconscious is way larger than we think. I am always surprised when I find out things that has always been at the back of my mind, or when I finally realize emotions I have had since day one.

It is truly interesting how we always tend to know what we are supposed to know, give or take a trigger or a little stimuli for us to be conscious about it. It is as if everything is out there, so ‘obviously hidden’ from our sight till the last two minutes of the ball game.

Maybe that is why I have quite interesting views when it comes to ‘looking’.

Sometimes, we need to open our eyes, to see. But other times, I have found out, we cannot trust what we see that there is always a need to close our eyes and go by how we feel. However, by feeling, in the dark, it can be hard to truly comprehend what we are supposed to see, because literally, we are blind.

But in the end, I guess the point is, there really is no reason to look for something – all we really need is to look.

Suffering is optional. Happiness is a choice.

I just returned from a spiritual retreat and to say I feel great is an understatement. I feel transformed, reborn.

I discovered a lot, why I am carrying so much emotional baggage, and why I allowed myself to carry them in the first place. I guess I reached a point where everything just got too heavy I was stuck.

But not anymore.

I realized that holding on to pain is like having one hand in between the jaws of a shark, while on the process, your other hand still continues to pet the shark.

It was a very painful process, the retreat, but feeling all the pain – embracing the pain till I bleed, and knew every single aspect of that pain- has led me into acceptance that cleared my mind and helped me see what mattered most – that there are more important things than pain, or holding on to someone’s guilt.

Clearly, there is no use for negativity in one’s life – for if you are filled with it, you are not allowing any space for beautiful things to come. If we fill our hands with so much baggage, we would not have any more free for new, worthwhile ones to be picked up.

Most importantly, if we are unhappy, we suffer, and the worst part is, the people who love us are also unhappy, and suffering.

It may sound very pious, but really, all we need to do is to let go and let God.

I just turned 22 last weekend. We had a quiet lunch inside our house with only my family as guests. It was really hard to celebrate and be festive when thousands and thousands are left hungry and homeless across the nation, but of course something’s got to give.

The mood was murky and wet, but again, we were very lucky that the storm has kept us dry and warm and safe, that when the people on the hardest hit areas were panicking and fighting for their lives, we were sound asleep and cozy on our beds. With this thought, it is more than enough to be thankful for the 22 last good years on Earth, and some maybe in a parallel universe.

The past days leading to my birthday has left me badly preoccupied and fatigued that I really lost it trying to prepare for my day – anxiety attacks hounding me every five minutes and all, that really, celebrating my birthday has become a thought pushed somewhere at the back of my mind, that when it actually came, I was unprepared for all the love and attention my loved ones poured on me, it felt like too much ear scratching for a cat, but then, if you are a cat you can never have enough ear scratching.

I pause to think about my life, yet all that comes to me is an enormous wave of gratitude towards all of the people that has kept on loving me through the years, who has been by my side, who never doubted me and my abilities, and who have used all the patience in the world in trying to put up with me – my family, my handful of friends, my Man… I am not the easiest person to love, and there really are no indications that it is about to change, and yet I am blessed with everyone and everything that I could possibly have, give and take one or two.

Don Domeng keeps on telling me how young I still am, and I agree, since day after day I stumble upon tons and tons of meaningful and meaningless things I still have to learn, but no worries, I really do not have any plan to take hold of any machine to expedite the process – I enjoy growing up; lately, I feel I am starting to be very process oriented, unlike my previous years where I was an output maniac of some sort.

I am still reciting my Kung Fu Panda line of the times, “you are too concerned with what was and what will be”. I try my hardest to live in the present, to understand that it truly “is a gift, that’s why it is called present”, and to put my trust in the Absolute that in the long run, things will fall into their proper places, just as they always should. It is not really an easy thing to do; as you’ve probably guessed by reading my posts, I have not fully learned to let go of the illusion of control – I am not sure how much more I have to hear the peach tree story until I finally get it, but so far, I feel I am willing to watch it a thousand times more.

I know there are still many goldfish to catch, and many more cans of tuna to open waiting for my whiskers to reach. As of now, it is clear that it won’t be an easy ride; but if one thing’s clearer, it’s that I am not about to give up – that may be the easiest thing to do in the world, but that is not for me.

After all, I still have eight lives to live.

The past days, I have found myself severely out of focus. I would like to say it has only been days, or maybe I have just lost count. The old cabbage seems to be floating in midair sans any content  yet it feels so heavy as if I have been slaving to death.

I am finding it difficult trying to shake my anxieties away. I am not even sure why I have anxiety attacks. It will be my birthday on Saturday; my cheeks should be numb in an anticipatory smile, yet I feel stupidly shaken.

I know I am stressed because last night it felt unbearable I sought for my guide – I watched Kung Fu Panda, again, for the one millionth time. Somehow it felt good, and when I start to feel my anxieties are about to creep up, I recite my line for the day: “You are too concerned with what was and what will be.”

Ahh… now that brought some much needed oxygen.

Dear Santa,

Erm… I know you are probably very busy right now preparing your things for Christmas and all, but I was just wondering, since I think I have been reasonably good this year, and it is my birthday on the 3rd of next month, I was kind of thinking if there is a way I can get my present earlier than expected? Christmas is right around the corner, I know, but can’t you consider having it right around my side for birthday’s sake?

It’s okay if you prefer airmail or snail mail. You can also deliver personally if you want. Thanks Mr. Santa Claus.

To be asleep is to be in an alternate reality, where you can fly, or paint the sky red, or date Michael Phelps.

To dream is to take a peak into the subconscious, and see your world with your own eyes, and feel its joy and pain.

To sleep is to practice being dead, and if you are lucky, to wake up and open your eyes once again, when the morning comes.

You might’ve known for long that the art of paper crane folding originated from Japan. Let me tell you something: they came from Brazil – from shadowmoon to be exact!

The flight of the paper cranes took some 1800 Kms to reach me!

I just received the parcel that shadowmoon sent which contains nine paper crane donations for my 1,000 paper crane project.

I think shadowmoon's paper cranes look way better than mine. LOL

I really, really appreciate the effort shadowmoon, thank you so much – to think how far these wings came from! I can imagine you folding them one by one, just like when you are doing your wonderful paper crafts.

If you would recall, I started my paper crane project as an anti-stress technique against the hassles my work environment presents me. I stated that each time I would be stressed out, I would transfer my negative vibe into folding paper cranes until I reach 1,000 by the end of the semester.

Fortunately, I am glad to say the necessity that is to fold paper cranes has decreased dramatically, since I am now able to control my thoughts and emotions better in response to not so healthy energies around me. I think you would be happy to know that my bubble is back and stronger than ever, my claws and whiskers on their proper places.

I stress very little nowadays and I find so much to be grateful for – like receiving paper cranes from a friend! I realized that moving to a new environment would always entail a crisis, that later will be nothing more than a laughing matter.

Is there a doctor on call who speaks cat language? Sorry, I got no subtitles.

Migraine? Check.

Rhinitis? Check.

Periorbital pain? Check.

PND? Check.

Sore throat? Check.

Muscle aches? Check.

Body weakness? Check.

–

Whew. That was a long list. Somebody call – what’s that number again?

After a month of whining work, PM has finally settled down, and as I’ve said before, I am more than fine, I think I am happy now. LOL. Thank you for all of your words of encouragement and discouragement. LOL. Much appreciated.

When I started to find my focus, I started to see so many interesting things again, and be able to laugh that hearty laugh – I sure missed it. For one, last Saturday, my sophomore students were having their return demonstration of administering medications – in other words, they were practicing giving injections on each other all for my joy. LOL.

It was surprising that so many of them cried. During my days, nobody on our class cried, maybe because of embarrassment or fear of being called super sensitive or overacting. OMG did I just use the phrase ‘during my days’? LOL. I am getting old, aren’t I?

However, the most interesting thing happened when one of my students, a girl older than me, was having her turn to be injected by her partner. She did not cry during the firs two shots – they were having three – but after the third one, which was intramuscular, she passed out! Goodness, it was most surprising indeed. But she became okay soon enough. Maybe I should thank her for passing out because it made the experience more fun for me. LOL.

Also, if you are wondering what ever happened to my crusade against office politics, I have brushed it aside because I realized, for the longest time, I have operated as if the world is a fat ball of yarn and I am the cat that toys with it, and at this point in my life, there is sure no way I am going to let it be the other way around.

Plus, I have long known that being good is not a crime. It is not my fault I am brilliant. LOL.

PM spent some time with her mentor today, with some friends, and spent some more to bond with family.

It was the perfect catharsis for my agitated waters, which has left me clouded since work at the university began. I know I have been going back and forth, feeling disgusted at one time, then liking work the next. To be honest, the gray area my work has created in my life has left me feeling stupid, the stupidest in fact in a long while.

But all of the venting out to people I trust and love, and whom I know emphatizes and supports me all the way, has left me with some form of peace of mind, letting me calm down and dilate my blood vessels that needed a break badly.

I have been thinking about what has been going on with me last night and it was ugly, so ugly in fact that I just came to a point where I said to myself that I am not tolerating it, much more, that I am not going to allow all of the work related stress to harass me into loosing any more sleep. I realized that if I continue to allow everything to get to me that easily, I might as well resign this early or else I am really predisposing myself for cancer.

Or maybe I just grew tired of whining and paying attention that I decided enought is enough. After all, musangs [wild cats] are a predator, not prey.

A very good point I considered in reflecting through all of these was this line exchange from the Disney movie Kung Fu Panda, if you have not watched it you are missing so much btw,:

Master Ugwey: “Look at this tree. I cannot make it blossom when it suits me nor make it bear fruit before it is time.”

Master Shifu: “But there are things we can control. Control where the fruit will fall, or where to plant the seed.”

Master Ugwey: “No matter what you do, that seed will grow to be a peach tree. You may wish for an apple or an orange, but you will get a peach.”

Now if only musangs grow on trees. LOL