I am currently in love with Jason Mraz’s song titled ‘A beutiful mess’. I so love the lyrics. I am a lyrics person. No matter how catchy the melody is, if it talks about non-sense, it is never going to work for me. I have the same principle when it comes to people too.

***

My sisters and I went to church this early evening. I liked the homily. It talks about knowing what matters most. I think it is an important virtue that most people take for granted in this generation, that is why amidst all the comforts, many still end up being unhappy. I guess no matter how much material things you have, it can never really give that elusive satisfaction, because for one, salaries cannot hug you, same goes with other related stuff.

Similarly, it always makes me hurt a lot, when I realize I am taking for granted the people who love me, like when I get preoccupied with work or with the various stresses that occupy my hair. I really try to make a conscious effort to make those important to me feel that they really are important. But it can be hard to focus on what matters most when there are a bazillion unimportant things that practically fly to your face every five minutes. I guess that is a part of what makes love special, all the effort it requires.

***

Work and graduate school has been cruel lately. The Year of the Ox forecast for me proved to be so true, not that I take it seriously though, but I think I have worked my cute ass off this year to the point my other muscles and bones are starting to fall apart one after the other. I am so looking forward to the Christmas break, if this goes on any longer, I am sure it is I who will definitely break apart. I guess the only good thing is that I am not yet sad, I am still trying to be positive amidst all this. LOL. Wish me luck.

***

I would also like to include in this post my entry to kg’s blog contest.

My three favorite places:

1. Balanga City, Bataan. I know the city has been rising to popularity lately because of the recent 5th Philippine Bird Festival, but to me, Balanga holds most of the wonderful experiences life has thrown at me. Even when I do not really live here, I can say that this is were I grew up.

2. Puerto Prinsesa, Palawan. This is actually the first place I’ve been to by air. The best thing about Palawan to me is the underground river. My jaw was practically open the whole time I was inside. It is also the first time I really felt that ‘traveler’ bug.

3. Tugegarao City. I am not sure how I will explain this one. I like it because I had the most horrible experience going there, on a crowded bus, uncomfortable and dying for 13 hours straight. It is the reason why this place is stucked on my mind. The horror! LOL. But it makes for good conversation. But I am not coming back there by land, ever.

Three places I dream of going to:

1. London. Kulot and I badly want to catch the next Olympics here. I sure hope that will be a reality.

2. Greece. I have always been fascinated by Greece. I actually like a lot about the country: I like the literature, I like the architecture; it just seems like a wonderful place that is full of culture. One day!

3. Bohol. One reason: tarsier.

The Association of Nursing Service Administraitors of the Philippines held an intravenous training for registered nurses in the city this past week and I attended along with 64 other participants, who mostly were my batchmates from the university.

I had a wonderful learning experience, though doing return demos again in front of a preceptor, I must admit, was nerve-wracking, especially so when I had 38.9 fever the same time [not to mention one preceptor was my boss]. In fact, for the whole duration of the training, I was so sick I should’ve been hospitalized but had to refuse because I was committed to getting my license as an IV therapist. It was a very big price to pay, up to this moment I am taking loads of medications, but I’m just happy I can now rest.

What bothers me most was the fact that out of 65 professional registered nurses there, I was the only one employed who was receiving a salary. Many were volunteer nurses and some were just at home, still waiting for a call – apparently there is a waiting list before you even get hired as a volunteer.

I can’t imagine life for my colleagues, how hard it is to be unemployed, how hard it is to think of everything they went through and still be with nothing. I am just so thankful for being very blessed, though it is hard to think of that when you are hacking with cough and soiling a whole pack of Kleenex in just a few hours.

The highlight of the training of course was the actual one on one IV insertion. Everybody picked a partner amongst all the participants and punctured them once, or twice, or thrice. LOL. Now if you were wondering how many times was I punctured, the answer was none. LOL.

One of the lecturers and preceptors at the event was my very good friend Benj and not only did he surveyed me inserting the IV, he also owned the hand I was hitting. LOL. I really owe him a lot of thank yous for being so nice and accomodating and helpful. Thank you Sir Benj!

As I write this, I still have a terrible cough and colds but the headache, fever, and difficulty of breathing has subsided dramatically, though I still am considerably short of breath. I would also like to thank my physician cousin, Kuya Alex, for ’seeing’ me and I felt way better after his prescriptions.

Between the training, my job, and a horrible illness, I really felt like an unlucky leprachaun – with whiskers of course.

Is there a doctor on call who speaks cat language? Sorry, I got no subtitles.

Migraine? Check.

Rhinitis? Check.

Periorbital pain? Check.

PND? Check.

Sore throat? Check.

Muscle aches? Check.

Body weakness? Check.

–

Whew. That was a long list. Somebody call – what’s that number again?

As I have mentioned before, I have been treating myself to some down by tinkering with Facebook using Kulot’s [my sister's] account, and  recently, to be a better farmer in Farmville, I have been also using my Man’s account to send gifts to Kulot’s account, ain’t I bright? LOL.

I was looking at my Man’s wall and I saw a quiz that his brother just took. The title was ‘are you a stalker, pedophile, murderer, or normal?’. It might sound dark but you know what result I got?

Pineapple Juice Musang Flavor

It said I was a PINEAPPLE. LOL. So how do you like me now?

Also, I would like to share a couple of photos, of my students interning at the local hospital. Today was their last day of duty in my area and it is very likely that it will be a long time until we meet again. Their words and gestures were truly overwhelming and it reminded me so much of why I became a teacher in the first place.

PM's kids

I was thinking of making a separate post about them but I guess I am at a point where I am just so speechless in joy. But looking at their photos, I believe it says it all.

Giving PM a sense of purpose

Sleepy Jin

Amongst the many patients I saw yesterday at the hospital OPD, two struck me most.

One was a beautiful innocent girl who had a huge lump on her left chest. It was still unknown what was contained in that cyst-like lump – we did not have sophisticated machines in our primary hospital – but the doctor said it could be abscess or water, and it could also be malignant or benign, depending on the laboratory work that will present.

As I watch the little girl leave with her mother, it was as if I heard my heart broke into small pieces, looking at the pure innocent face of that little girl and how fragile she was in her early childhood, yet the state of her health – or her life – was so unstable.

It just felt so unfair. Here was a soul who was so young and fresh and had the whole world ahead of her yet was threatened with illnes and suffering, or death. Of course, there is also a chance that everything will be okay, and the sparkle on her eyes before she was out my sight, made me wish that it would be so too.

However, the next patient that stuck with me got a different side of me involved. She came in for anti0rabies shots because apparently, she got bitten by a kitten whom she found in her house and when she was trying to dispose it like some unwanted thrash, the kitten bit her on the arm, the appearance of the wound got her disturbed so she immediately sought medical intervention. Trying hard to keep my tone neutral, I inquired about the state of the kitten, and uncomfortably, she said her kid killed it.

It felt like I went blind for a few seconds because my pupils constricted so much because of anger. I really cannot imagine how inhumane some humans can be in treating animals. I cannot believe how some can call themselves human yet their concern for innocent and helpless animals measures to the emotional range of a monoblock chair. To be honest, I did not want to give that woman her shot, and I did not feel any guilt at all in wishing for rabies to get her. If it was any consolation, th doctor did not allow her to have her shot at our hospital, because her referral from the health care facility where she got her first shot was incomplete and vague.

Inside me, I felt some sense of redemption for that little kitten, whom I know for sure is now playing with a giant ball of yarn and is given warm ear scratches by the Absolute Whiskers up in cat heaven.

My family and friends were stirred by an e-mail, apparently sent by me through my e-mail account, saying that I was in Nigeria and needed help financially because I have lost my wallet and I needed $2500.

Mother Goose told me about it last night and truth be told, my e-mail account has been hacked, and I cannot gain access to it this morning.

It amazes me how much spammers can do. For one, they have active imaginations, faking out stories for who knows how many accounts they use to create scams. My family and friends knew of course it was not me. If that was me, I’d ask for a bigger sum of money. LOL.

To everybody who was on my address book at prinsesa_fajardo, my account has been compromised and you can have the honor to ignore or curse any weird messages that you will receive or has already received.

***

Yesterday, my students at the emergency room received a reality check on what nurses really do.

We had a poisonous snake bite case and our primary hospital did not have anti venom. The patient, who was a mother of two young boys who came with her to the hospital, had to be transferred to Manila, about three to four hours from where we were.

When the woman came in, she could talk and breathe normally, though she said her eyes were blurring. By the time we got her lying on the ER table, as we were starting the IV line and oxygen, she was numb and blind, her speech was slurring and she could not breathe.

It was all very quick, from the time she came in to the time she was transferred. My students were there to see it all and they told me it changed how they looked at nursing – that it required so much strength and compassion at the same time.

One of my students told me she wanted to cry but she knew she couldn’t. She said she was so moved by the way the mother kept on saying, “look after my children, look after my children” time and time again until she could speak no more.

We were informed that the patient died on the road, during transfer, not long after she has left the ER.

I told my students that experiences like this were not uncommon in the hospital setting, and this was just the start of the many life and death scenarios that they would see. If there was anything positive that came out from it, my students said they were motivated to study harder, so that next time a life was in the balance, they would know exactly what to do so that they could help more.

My heart went out to the family of the patient, and to my students, who gave me a glimpse of how beautiful their souls were, for being brave, for being emphatic, for being strong.

It has got to start with a lot of love.

To make a positive impact on this world has been an advocacy of mine, something I wish to accomplish everyday I am conscious about it. LOL.

To be honest, there has never been a time when I felt I was too little to make a change, or too small to leave a mark. It is simple really – I believe that even the smallest, most random acts can change the course of life; after all, when you add a pile of small good things, the end result has got to only be best big things.

Like today, Ma’am PM was back teaching, but this time on the clinical setting. I had my first day of duty as a nurse clinical instructor for the university at a local primary hospital. My students were also sophomores but coming from a different campus. I handled two groups, 22 students all in all, who were also having their first time of clinical exposure as student nurses.

I have only left the nursing academe two years ago, after graduating as a part of class 2007-2008, so it is a fact that how it feels to be a student nurse is not very far from my memory, no matter how much short-circuit it seems to be sometimes. I can perfectly recall how it felt like, to be wearing that hospital uniform, excited and anxious at the same time, eager and fearful all at once.

It did not help that some of the clinical instructors I had certainly had no clue about teaching. Basically, a typical clinical instructor is someone to be feared, someone who is a foe, and it seems, is someone who has made it his or her life’s mission to embarrass you in public.

If it was any consolation, if not for the weird teaching principles and methods I received when I was in college, I would not be a teacher now, with a certificate on professional education I earned just last March. Also, because of all the horrible things I’ve seen, I have made it my mission to be a better clinical instructor – way better.

I made sure I related to my students, made sure that they saw me as a teacher and not as a three-headed monster. I ensured that they were learning and that the learning experience was both fruitful and fun, and more importantly, that it improved their confidence, not only in doing things right, but in being brave enough to try. After all, the essence of nursing is supposed to be caring.

Back in college, I would often hear instructors say that if they would not be mean the student nurses would not follow or would not learn. You know what, I never believed one bit of it then, and with what I’ve seen in my students, certainly more so not now.

It was heart warming, how they evaluated their first day of duty with me, telling me that they learned so much, and that they had so much fun actually working. Seeing their faces, I could not compare mine, nor my groups mates’ then, with how we concluded ours.

My students learned; more than that, they were happy.

But of course, I was happier.

PM held her first baby just this morning.

Of course it is not mine. LOL. I’m talking about the first baby I delivered in the hospital.

As I held the newborn baby girl and feel her weight against my arms, I realized how wonderful life can really be – especially new beginnings.

For the first time in what felt like forever, I looked into an innocent child without freaking out, while shaking my head that was painted with a silly smile as I say, “now I know why they call babies a bundle of joy”.

The new life on my arms gave me a renewed optimism, about beginnings, about life – that surely, life is so wonderful and that there are just so much to be thankful for that small hassles brought to me by work means nothing compared to what life really has to offer. I felt ashamed in whining about the littlest things and I felt so silly for feeling bad easily for the most trivial things.

Life is a gift. And I will live.

As I set foot on the hospital yesterday morning and greeted the staff nurses, a loud sound from outside jolted all of us. We all rushed outside and obviously, it was an emergency case, a boy, a toddler, has drowned, and was dead on arrival.

I was not sure of the efficiency the health care team was able deliver the news to the family of the boy. Maybe, no matter how many years of practice and experience you have with this kind of thing, it is never easy.

It made me realize how simple life really is – there is an end, and it can happen any time, all of a sudden, and that’s it. Like my prepaid load expires just when I need it most, life and death can be a check that bounces off the bank and you are suddenly sank.

But you know what? I think the saddest thing in life is to die… while you live.

PM is a very busy girl because school is about to start tomorrow. My thoughts are scattered in a thousand pieces, if not a bazzilion pieces.

I am back in the hospital because my new job description is clinical instructor. However, I still have classroom subjects, and I think I will enjoy that slight diversity, or it can kill me because I have so many things to do.

I have been seeing my new work area. I think it has caused my Asperger’s to hit its peak. Either I die of a heart attack or they die from a wild Musang attack. I’m keeping my fingers crossed. The heart attack sounds better.

I know I am not making any sense because I am clouded and asphyxiated but I’m keeping it cool.

Hit back at you when I’m normal again. I mean, normal on my standards.