Starting Fresh

I hurt.

These are the words that first came to my noodle when I was trying to reflect on 2009, the year that in a few more ticks will be the-year-that-was.

It can be true, I probably sucked this year more than any other in the history of my sucking. I feel like I now have a good idea how it feels to have a cardiac muscle inside a mortar and pestle being worked on by a mad gorilla. Surprisingly, I did not cry much, but maybe that is because I almost always come to that point where it hurt so much tears just seem too ridiculous. Most days of this year just felt like my back is bent and my heart is skewed. Insanity became a good bedmate.

But at the back of my mind, it feels unfair. Sure most days I hated the world more than the usual, and I thought about moving to another planet every four days or so, but I also know that despite the spiral of chaos that was my days of 2009, I was also happy. I know so because I have not killed myself… yet. I smell happiness on my skin because 2009 was so horrible yet I am still up, no matter how battered and shaken, but the point is, I am still here.

Often I was lost, but the spectrum of emotions I felt, in the middle of all the confusion, was amazing. All the pain made me feel alive, or almost dying, either way my heart just pumped so hard, sometimes I worry I might sprain it, but it just made me feel so alive, or so insane. Let us just say that getting my peace required more fights this year.

I guess the most beautiful thing about having a year that sucked so much is that the happy times are also amplified; makes a lot of sense – if you are sadder than sad it will require a lot more than happy to get you going again right? And I can honestly say I have discovered so much more to make me happy. I really learned a lot.

Like there are many brands of catnip, many retail outlets, and some are best taken on specific times of the day, or night, and that variety can be good sometimes – just sometimes, because the tried and tested are usually still the best. I also learned that I can change, or not change, depending on the stakes. I stumbled upon many new things – or people – to hate, yet I also found some to love – like my niece and my nephew that I met for the first time from Jersey. I think the best part for me this year was realizing the fact that sometimes being not okay can be okay too; there is a lot to see in the swirl of confusion and doubt – it too can be fun. It does not hurt, letting go and going with the flow – I was petrified for a long time. The cat finally learned to appreciate the color gray.

Amidst everything I understood and did not understand this year, I am still very thankful. Thankful for another shot at life, and for work, no matter how odd that may seem. Thankful for the people who loved me even when I was neurotic all year long, and to the people who want to love me, thank you. Thankful for everything I was able to do, the same for those I did not do. For everything I said and did not say, for all the words I wrote and chose not to write, for all the truth I believed and some I chose to ignore… because I was scared, still I am grateful.

In the past I thought 2007 was hell, but now I do not even dare call 2009 hell-er, because I am sure, as long as my chest is expanding, there will be more horror to come. But the best part is, ‘bring it on‘. Even when most days of this year just felt like my back is bent and my heart is skewed, I also felt like my spirit is on the right place.

I will leave this year behind, happier than before… and braver, not just to see life, but to devour it, or savor, as the case may be.

Prosperous 2010 everyone.

Lately I find myself going insane.

I know. It goes well with the holiday season.It feels like a cross between Christmas and getting your head blown during New Year.

It started with hearing a Beautiful Mess then unconsciously changing the lines “Your comebacks they’re quick and probably had to with your insecurity” with “Your comebacks they’re quick and probably had to do with your insanity.” I thought it fits perfectly.

What’s surprising was that I tried to control the insanity. I really, really, really tried. In fact, yesterday I thought I was already making sense and will not have to spend Christmas on a mental asylum but this morning came another home run that got me all thinking again.

God. I never thought a time would come when I would really want to avoid thinking because I realized there are just times when  it can really be bad for me.

I just want to throw up. It amazes me how a bazillion things can go wrong at the same time. It’s like a fireworks factory suddenly lit up or something. Sigh. If this was some other time that site might’ve actually been beautiful.

But definitely not now. Somebody hand me a plastic bag.

When I see something interesting, I have this habit of writing it down. Recently, I was going through my phone’s draft folder and found this thought by Sigmund Freud:

Human beings are funny. They long to be with the people they love but refuse to admit openly. Some are afraid to show even the slightest sign of affection because of fear. Fear that their feelings may not be recognized or even worse, returned. But one thing about human beings that puzzles me the most is their conscious effort to be remotely connected with their object of affection even if it kills them slowly within.

It is a disturbing thought, however, it is also very true – tension of opposites, remember? But what I find most interesting about human beings is this: even when we are undoubtedly flawed, sometimes crazy, and most times cowardly, we still manage to overcome all of these and thrive.

I would often play Guess The Sketch (GTS) Challenge on Facebook these days against my sister Kulot, her classmates, and my Man. We would often have such a grand time that every round ends up with us having stomachaches from too much laughing. It was so much fun that there would be times when Kulot would open her account and her classmates would ask for me so that we could play GTS already. LOL

On one particularly fun game, it was my turn to draw and the word was yacht. What was funny was that they knew what the word was but could not spell it correctly! I was dead on the floor laughing my lungs out. The kids would spell yatch, yates, yatee, yate, yatch, yate yan eh di ko lang alam spell! [that is a yacht, i just don't know how to spell yacht correctly!] – everything but the correct one!

The best part about it is that you could tease them endlessly about their blunders – either when they misspell a word or cannot guess an obvious one after everybody in the room has already done so.

But more than that, I think it is the bonding that we create which is most special, especially that my sister is an adolescent, the knowledge that I am a part of her life, and a fun one at that as attested by her peers, is what would definitely keep me drawing hands that look like edematous bananas in GTS, possibly for a long time.

I took this quiz on facebook titled ‘What kind of dater are you?’ and the result is ‘passionate dater’, with an explanation that reads: “You are the one that takes things seriously. When you are in a relationship you are always committed. You also never get too involved unless they are very important to you.”

I think it is a fitting interpretation. After all, what kind of a relationship is one that lacks commitment?

Oh, a relationship which is a no relationship. LOL.

And what kind of person gets involved with something irrelevant? Psychopath? LOL

The number you have dialed is either unattended or out of coverage area. Please climb the mountain.

I don’t fight. I am a diplomatic person… whose idea of diplomacy is like that of saying ‘good doggie’ while getting a bigger stick. LOL. I don’t fight. I do aggressive negotiations.

But peace does not always have to be a fight. Here are some words that might be helpful and turn your ‘fights’ into a conversation, and maybe for a change you might end up winning your cause.

1. I understand.

2. I am listening.

3. Let’s look at it from your point of view and from mine.

4. What I really mean to say is…

5. Let us be objective about this.

6. I am not mad, I am confused.

7. Maybe we should talk later to let off steam first.

8. What I hear you saying is…

9. Are you trying to say that…

10. I’m sorry.

Now this works best when you don’t shout them to whoever you are talking to, okay?

There came a point in my life where I wondered why people celebrated their birthdays the way they do – or was I only questioning who should treat who? LOL.

Happy Birthday Don Domeng

Don Domeng celebrated his 57th birthday yesterday, here with us at home, with a simple dinner with family and some friends. It was so much fun and the food that Mother Goose whipped up out of her kitchen was absolutely divine. My Man and I came home early so we could be taste testers and it was a hard job to stick with the only testing part. LOL.

What I found to be important was that birthdays are a constant reminder to us, not only of how long we’ve been staying here, but of how much we have done with our lives. As each year passes by, before blowing those birthday candles, we are compelled to take a pause to reminisce about what has been going on, and the faces of our guests tell us who we have become. I realized that the number that comes with birthdays really do play a significant part – because the higher it is, the longer the measure of what we have done good should be.

Looking at Don Domeng last night, looking at myself in the mirror this morning when I woke up, I can honestly say that what my father has done in the past 57 years has been a good job – and I believe it is my responsibility to keep it that way for a long time.

After all, I have always reiterated, my father is my honor.

As I have mentioned before, I have been treating myself to some down by tinkering with Facebook using Kulot’s [my sister's] account, and  recently, to be a better farmer in Farmville, I have been also using my Man’s account to send gifts to Kulot’s account, ain’t I bright? LOL.

I was looking at my Man’s wall and I saw a quiz that his brother just took. The title was ‘are you a stalker, pedophile, murderer, or normal?’. It might sound dark but you know what result I got?

Pineapple Juice Musang Flavor

It said I was a PINEAPPLE. LOL. So how do you like me now?

Also, I would like to share a couple of photos, of my students interning at the local hospital. Today was their last day of duty in my area and it is very likely that it will be a long time until we meet again. Their words and gestures were truly overwhelming and it reminded me so much of why I became a teacher in the first place.

PM's kids

I was thinking of making a separate post about them but I guess I am at a point where I am just so speechless in joy. But looking at their photos, I believe it says it all.

Giving PM a sense of purpose

It has got to start with a lot of love.

To make a positive impact on this world has been an advocacy of mine, something I wish to accomplish everyday I am conscious about it. LOL.

To be honest, there has never been a time when I felt I was too little to make a change, or too small to leave a mark. It is simple really – I believe that even the smallest, most random acts can change the course of life; after all, when you add a pile of small good things, the end result has got to only be best big things.

Like today, Ma’am PM was back teaching, but this time on the clinical setting. I had my first day of duty as a nurse clinical instructor for the university at a local primary hospital. My students were also sophomores but coming from a different campus. I handled two groups, 22 students all in all, who were also having their first time of clinical exposure as student nurses.

I have only left the nursing academe two years ago, after graduating as a part of class 2007-2008, so it is a fact that how it feels to be a student nurse is not very far from my memory, no matter how much short-circuit it seems to be sometimes. I can perfectly recall how it felt like, to be wearing that hospital uniform, excited and anxious at the same time, eager and fearful all at once.

It did not help that some of the clinical instructors I had certainly had no clue about teaching. Basically, a typical clinical instructor is someone to be feared, someone who is a foe, and it seems, is someone who has made it his or her life’s mission to embarrass you in public.

If it was any consolation, if not for the weird teaching principles and methods I received when I was in college, I would not be a teacher now, with a certificate on professional education I earned just last March. Also, because of all the horrible things I’ve seen, I have made it my mission to be a better clinical instructor – way better.

I made sure I related to my students, made sure that they saw me as a teacher and not as a three-headed monster. I ensured that they were learning and that the learning experience was both fruitful and fun, and more importantly, that it improved their confidence, not only in doing things right, but in being brave enough to try. After all, the essence of nursing is supposed to be caring.

Back in college, I would often hear instructors say that if they would not be mean the student nurses would not follow or would not learn. You know what, I never believed one bit of it then, and with what I’ve seen in my students, certainly more so not now.

It was heart warming, how they evaluated their first day of duty with me, telling me that they learned so much, and that they had so much fun actually working. Seeing their faces, I could not compare mine, nor my groups mates’ then, with how we concluded ours.

My students learned; more than that, they were happy.

But of course, I was happier.

PM spent some time with her mentor today, with some friends, and spent some more to bond with family.

It was the perfect catharsis for my agitated waters, which has left me clouded since work at the university began. I know I have been going back and forth, feeling disgusted at one time, then liking work the next. To be honest, the gray area my work has created in my life has left me feeling stupid, the stupidest in fact in a long while.

But all of the venting out to people I trust and love, and whom I know emphatizes and supports me all the way, has left me with some form of peace of mind, letting me calm down and dilate my blood vessels that needed a break badly.

I have been thinking about what has been going on with me last night and it was ugly, so ugly in fact that I just came to a point where I said to myself that I am not tolerating it, much more, that I am not going to allow all of the work related stress to harass me into loosing any more sleep. I realized that if I continue to allow everything to get to me that easily, I might as well resign this early or else I am really predisposing myself for cancer.

Or maybe I just grew tired of whining and paying attention that I decided enought is enough. After all, musangs [wild cats] are a predator, not prey.

A very good point I considered in reflecting through all of these was this line exchange from the Disney movie Kung Fu Panda, if you have not watched it you are missing so much btw,:

Master Ugwey: “Look at this tree. I cannot make it blossom when it suits me nor make it bear fruit before it is time.”

Master Shifu: “But there are things we can control. Control where the fruit will fall, or where to plant the seed.”

Master Ugwey: “No matter what you do, that seed will grow to be a peach tree. You may wish for an apple or an orange, but you will get a peach.”

Now if only musangs grow on trees. LOL