Prinsesa’s Anatomy

Lately I find myself going insane.

I know. It goes well with the holiday season.It feels like a cross between Christmas and getting your head blown during New Year.

It started with hearing a Beautiful Mess then unconsciously changing the lines “Your comebacks they’re quick and probably had to with your insecurity” with “Your comebacks they’re quick and probably had to do with your insanity.” I thought it fits perfectly.

What’s surprising was that I tried to control the insanity. I really, really, really tried. In fact, yesterday I thought I was already making sense and will not have to spend Christmas on a mental asylum but this morning came another home run that got me all thinking again.

God. I never thought a time would come when I would really want to avoid thinking because I realized there are just times when  it can really be bad for me.

I just want to throw up. It amazes me how a bazillion things can go wrong at the same time. It’s like a fireworks factory suddenly lit up or something. Sigh. If this was some other time that site might’ve actually been beautiful.

But definitely not now. Somebody hand me a plastic bag.

I am currently in love with Jason Mraz’s song titled ‘A beutiful mess’. I so love the lyrics. I am a lyrics person. No matter how catchy the melody is, if it talks about non-sense, it is never going to work for me. I have the same principle when it comes to people too.

***

My sisters and I went to church this early evening. I liked the homily. It talks about knowing what matters most. I think it is an important virtue that most people take for granted in this generation, that is why amidst all the comforts, many still end up being unhappy. I guess no matter how much material things you have, it can never really give that elusive satisfaction, because for one, salaries cannot hug you, same goes with other related stuff.

Similarly, it always makes me hurt a lot, when I realize I am taking for granted the people who love me, like when I get preoccupied with work or with the various stresses that occupy my hair. I really try to make a conscious effort to make those important to me feel that they really are important. But it can be hard to focus on what matters most when there are a bazillion unimportant things that practically fly to your face every five minutes. I guess that is a part of what makes love special, all the effort it requires.

***

Work and graduate school has been cruel lately. The Year of the Ox forecast for me proved to be so true, not that I take it seriously though, but I think I have worked my cute ass off this year to the point my other muscles and bones are starting to fall apart one after the other. I am so looking forward to the Christmas break, if this goes on any longer, I am sure it is I who will definitely break apart. I guess the only good thing is that I am not yet sad, I am still trying to be positive amidst all this. LOL. Wish me luck.

***

I would also like to include in this post my entry to kg’s blog contest.

My three favorite places:

1. Balanga City, Bataan. I know the city has been rising to popularity lately because of the recent 5th Philippine Bird Festival, but to me, Balanga holds most of the wonderful experiences life has thrown at me. Even when I do not really live here, I can say that this is were I grew up.

2. Puerto Prinsesa, Palawan. This is actually the first place I’ve been to by air. The best thing about Palawan to me is the underground river. My jaw was practically open the whole time I was inside. It is also the first time I really felt that ‘traveler’ bug.

3. Tugegarao City. I am not sure how I will explain this one. I like it because I had the most horrible experience going there, on a crowded bus, uncomfortable and dying for 13 hours straight. It is the reason why this place is stucked on my mind. The horror! LOL. But it makes for good conversation. But I am not coming back there by land, ever.

Three places I dream of going to:

1. London. Kulot and I badly want to catch the next Olympics here. I sure hope that will be a reality.

2. Greece. I have always been fascinated by Greece. I actually like a lot about the country: I like the literature, I like the architecture; it just seems like a wonderful place that is full of culture. One day!

3. Bohol. One reason: tarsier.

Oh yeah, keeping it cool

I really need to get my nails cut.

If there is one known parameter in the world that would tell me I am hell busy, that would be the presence of my overgrown nails – that is the ultimate signal that I am slaving to the point of neglecting my body. I realized the fact only because my BIOS-325 class this morning was discussing about the Integumentary system.

When I was younger, I have always believed those who have said that growing up was so overrated and there was nothing that brought more joy in the world than studying – it is practically the easiest life ever. If I believed in the past, now I completely understand why. LOL.

My teaching load for this semester is unbelievable – four major subjects to begin with. How do I manage to breathe right? I really don’t know, maybe I should always check myself in the mirror – I maybe cyanotic for all I know. LOL.

But the good part is that I am licking my fur, practicing my perfected deep breathing techniques, and sure as hell is trying to be above all this in a calm manner, keeping it cool. It may be some form of miracle, but I am glad the old cabbage is sorting everything out just in time, though I sure hope I could get more rest.

No matter how embarrassing, I admit to feeling so low when I get tired that sometimes I reach a point where I ask myself if all this is worth me dying young. LOL. But after a good glass of agua and a little sit down, here I go again. I guess life is really mystifying this way.

However, you will be glad to know that the peach tree story has shown signs of sinking in. Amidst the chaos, I feel I have been successful in trying to take things one day at a time – that may just be the secret to what little sanity I have left.

Plus, I can always get free banana splits from the Hotel and Restaurant Management department during their laboratory days (Thanks Sir Reggie).

I think I will be fine. Well, after I get my nails cut, that is.

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Photo from google search

On two separate occasions, people who know me personally who have been reading my blog has asked me if I was sad. It came as a surprise, their inquiry. I did not notice that I was being melodramatic, was I really? All I knew was that I was severely short-circuit, the epicenter of a stress catastrophe. Now I stop to ask myself if I am sad. I rerun my last few days and found that I never said I was “actually sad”.

So does that mean I am happy? Well, I never said that. For a fact, I remember telling my closest people more than once in the last few months that I was unhappy.

In the past, my only problem was not eating vegetables; but as time goes by, I feel the psychological junk food I consume every waking day is very high, I now have two reasons for being unhealthy. God help me. I think I am too young to die.

Now I realize what is the difference between being a drama queen and a true attack of depression: it is a matter of consciousness.

I analyze and assess myself on an objective basis, splitting myself in two: a patient and the nurse. If I am to look at the subjective verbalization of the people around me telling me that I am “sad”, objective signs that must be present to validate the claim should be one or a few of the following: loss or a sudden increase in appetite, lack of interest in activities that are usually routine or enjoyed, spacing out unconsciously, a drop in interpersonal relations, anxiety attacks, stress bouts and confusion.

Or in my case, all of the above.

The past days, I have found myself severely out of focus. I would like to say it has only been days, or maybe I have just lost count. The old cabbage seems to be floating in midair sans any content  yet it feels so heavy as if I have been slaving to death.

I am finding it difficult trying to shake my anxieties away. I am not even sure why I have anxiety attacks. It will be my birthday on Saturday; my cheeks should be numb in an anticipatory smile, yet I feel stupidly shaken.

I know I am stressed because last night it felt unbearable I sought for my guide – I watched Kung Fu Panda, again, for the one millionth time. Somehow it felt good, and when I start to feel my anxieties are about to creep up, I recite my line for the day: “You are too concerned with what was and what will be.”

Ahh… now that brought some much needed oxygen.

I started believing that I could be wrong.

PM went to the mall to buy office supplies needed for work. While going through the racks of staplers and punchers, PM saw the Student Regent of the university with her Aunt on the same store.

Student Regent was actually older than PM, and when he introduced me to his Aunt as an instructor in the university, me wearing a tank and Bermudas, Aunt’s mouth practically fell down the floor in surprise.

I might’ve looked like a high school student. LOL. But I don’t care. LOL

Working on the accreditation of the College of Nursing and Midwifery in the university, PM spend the whole day at another campus and slaved till the world spun around my consciousness.

I was designated on Area II – Faculty, with my good friend, Sir Benj, and when lunch time came, we decided to go to a nearby fastfood chain.

While waiting for our order at the counter, Sir Benj played with the drinking straw container, strangling its top cover to make his hands busy. Little did we know that a tiny monster kid on the other counter was watching him intently and maybe, when the kid could not resist what she was seeing, she went up to us and pressed the straw container while telling Sir Benj, “Ganito po gamitin yan o [You get a straw from here like this],” demonstrating flawlessly then saunters triumphantly away.

More than the kid’s surprising helping hands, what made me laugh really, really hard, was when Sir Benj defensively said, “Alam ko naman gamitin to no! Pinapaglaruan ko lang [I know how to use this! I was just playing with it]!”

Hmm… I think kids have been stalking me real good lately!

You might’ve known for long that the art of paper crane folding originated from Japan. Let me tell you something: they came from Brazil – from shadowmoon to be exact!

The flight of the paper cranes took some 1800 Kms to reach me!

I just received the parcel that shadowmoon sent which contains nine paper crane donations for my 1,000 paper crane project.

I think shadowmoon's paper cranes look way better than mine. LOL

I really, really appreciate the effort shadowmoon, thank you so much – to think how far these wings came from! I can imagine you folding them one by one, just like when you are doing your wonderful paper crafts.

If you would recall, I started my paper crane project as an anti-stress technique against the hassles my work environment presents me. I stated that each time I would be stressed out, I would transfer my negative vibe into folding paper cranes until I reach 1,000 by the end of the semester.

Fortunately, I am glad to say the necessity that is to fold paper cranes has decreased dramatically, since I am now able to control my thoughts and emotions better in response to not so healthy energies around me. I think you would be happy to know that my bubble is back and stronger than ever, my claws and whiskers on their proper places.

I stress very little nowadays and I find so much to be grateful for – like receiving paper cranes from a friend! I realized that moving to a new environment would always entail a crisis, that later will be nothing more than a laughing matter.

As I have mentioned before, I have been treating myself to some down by tinkering with Facebook using Kulot’s [my sister's] account, and  recently, to be a better farmer in Farmville, I have been also using my Man’s account to send gifts to Kulot’s account, ain’t I bright? LOL.

I was looking at my Man’s wall and I saw a quiz that his brother just took. The title was ‘are you a stalker, pedophile, murderer, or normal?’. It might sound dark but you know what result I got?

Pineapple Juice Musang Flavor

It said I was a PINEAPPLE. LOL. So how do you like me now?

Also, I would like to share a couple of photos, of my students interning at the local hospital. Today was their last day of duty in my area and it is very likely that it will be a long time until we meet again. Their words and gestures were truly overwhelming and it reminded me so much of why I became a teacher in the first place.

PM's kids

I was thinking of making a separate post about them but I guess I am at a point where I am just so speechless in joy. But looking at their photos, I believe it says it all.

Giving PM a sense of purpose