Orange Yarns and White Balls

I just turned 22 last weekend. We had a quiet lunch inside our house with only my family as guests. It was really hard to celebrate and be festive when thousands and thousands are left hungry and homeless across the nation, but of course something’s got to give.

The mood was murky and wet, but again, we were very lucky that the storm has kept us dry and warm and safe, that when the people on the hardest hit areas were panicking and fighting for their lives, we were sound asleep and cozy on our beds. With this thought, it is more than enough to be thankful for the 22 last good years on Earth, and some maybe in a parallel universe.

The past days leading to my birthday has left me badly preoccupied and fatigued that I really lost it trying to prepare for my day – anxiety attacks hounding me every five minutes and all, that really, celebrating my birthday has become a thought pushed somewhere at the back of my mind, that when it actually came, I was unprepared for all the love and attention my loved ones poured on me, it felt like too much ear scratching for a cat, but then, if you are a cat you can never have enough ear scratching.

I pause to think about my life, yet all that comes to me is an enormous wave of gratitude towards all of the people that has kept on loving me through the years, who has been by my side, who never doubted me and my abilities, and who have used all the patience in the world in trying to put up with me – my family, my handful of friends, my Man… I am not the easiest person to love, and there really are no indications that it is about to change, and yet I am blessed with everyone and everything that I could possibly have, give and take one or two.

Don Domeng keeps on telling me how young I still am, and I agree, since day after day I stumble upon tons and tons of meaningful and meaningless things I still have to learn, but no worries, I really do not have any plan to take hold of any machine to expedite the process – I enjoy growing up; lately, I feel I am starting to be very process oriented, unlike my previous years where I was an output maniac of some sort.

I am still reciting my Kung Fu Panda line of the times, “you are too concerned with what was and what will be”. I try my hardest to live in the present, to understand that it truly “is a gift, that’s why it is called present”, and to put my trust in the Absolute that in the long run, things will fall into their proper places, just as they always should. It is not really an easy thing to do; as you’ve probably guessed by reading my posts, I have not fully learned to let go of the illusion of control – I am not sure how much more I have to hear the peach tree story until I finally get it, but so far, I feel I am willing to watch it a thousand times more.

I know there are still many goldfish to catch, and many more cans of tuna to open waiting for my whiskers to reach. As of now, it is clear that it won’t be an easy ride; but if one thing’s clearer, it’s that I am not about to give up – that may be the easiest thing to do in the world, but that is not for me.

After all, I still have eight lives to live.

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29 thoughts on “Orange Yarns and White Balls

    • wow it has been a long time dimaks! thanks for the greeting. i hope my lives don’t go away in pack. i still need them.

  1. 22 eh akala mo eh talagang mature na. wait till sumakit na ang tuhod, likod, at blakang mo…then ur a grown up. or u start growing hair on ur ears, or stop having a period, or u need to use more salt, or…

    • i am very much okay. i am in central luzon so that is pretty far. thank you seraphine. all these disasters keep coming one after the other!

  2. belated happy bdaaaay pm! 🙂 sorry for the late greetings. I just got back from the hospital.

    anyway, you are still young and enjoy life! 🙂

  3. ang bata mo pa! haha. enjoy life. enjoy being young. don’t worry too much. it’s not bad to think about the past or the future, just don’t wallow on it. wala ka mapapala. belated happy birthday!

    • kasabay ng pag libre mo sa 10,000 visits mo LOL i think eight more lives sounds good. at least i can lick my fur more. LOL

  4. i was honestly surprised when you said you are still 22. i feel that you are so rich in experiences!

    don’t be to guilty about celebrating, i believe that every year that is given to us is a reason to celebrate!

    more blessings for you PM! mwah!

  5. i love that you can write about your anxieties. most people hold them in, but when anxieties and fear never see light, there is the danger that they become dark and crippling.
    i have confidence in you. there is no doubt in my mind that- whatever happens to you- you will live fully and be aware.
    if there is one wish i can make on your birthday, it’s ‘be happy.’ find and keep your happiness and renew it as many times as you can. stay precious.

    • i think it is important to talk about things that bother us. that way they seem more real. and if they are more real they are easier to kill. thank you very much for your faith. indeed, happiness is something we all yearn for.

  6. I enjoyed reading your post-birthday thoughts. Kung Fu Panda is indeed a very sensible film. Your post reminded me to enjoy growing up, even if I’m long ago a grown up. =)

    • i think we really never are grown ups. there will always be new things to learn and new things to experience. i guess it is all just a matter of perspective.

  7. pm!! belated hapy bdaaay! sorry if i wasn’t able to greet you on time. i just got back from the hosp because i was confined since wed.

    i wish you all the things you deserve. yes, you are still young. enjoy life and take one step at a time. 🙂

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