These are the words that first came to my noodle when I was trying to reflect on 2009, the year that in a few more ticks will be the-year-that-was.
It can be true, I probably sucked this year more than any other in the history of my sucking. I feel like I now have a good idea how it feels to have a cardiac muscle inside a mortar and pestle being worked on by a mad gorilla. Surprisingly, I did not cry much, but maybe that is because I almost always come to that point where it hurt so much tears just seem too ridiculous. Most days of this year just felt like my back is bent and my heart is skewed. Insanity became a good bedmate.
But at the back of my mind, it feels unfair. Sure most days I hated the world more than the usual, and I thought about moving to another planet every four days or so, but I also know that despite the spiral of chaos that was my days of 2009, I was also happy. I know so because I have not killed myself… yet. I smell happiness on my skin because 2009 was so horrible yet I am still up, no matter how battered and shaken, but the point is, I am still here.
Often I was lost, but the spectrum of emotions I felt, in the middle of all the confusion, was amazing. All the pain made me feel alive, or almost dying, either way my heart just pumped so hard, sometimes I worry I might sprain it, but it just made me feel so alive, or so insane. Let us just say that getting my peace required more fights this year.
I guess the most beautiful thing about having a year that sucked so much is that the happy times are also amplified; makes a lot of sense – if you are sadder than sad it will require a lot more than happy to get you going again right? And I can honestly say I have discovered so much more to make me happy. I really learned a lot.
Like there are many brands of catnip, many retail outlets, and some are best taken on specific times of the day, or night, and that variety can be good sometimes – just sometimes, because the tried and tested are usually still the best. I also learned that I can change, or not change, depending on the stakes. I stumbled upon many new things – or people – to hate, yet I also found some to love – like my niece and my nephew that I met for the first time from Jersey. I think the best part for me this year was realizing the fact that sometimes being not okay can be okay too; there is a lot to see in the swirl of confusion and doubt – it too can be fun. It does not hurt, letting go and going with the flow – I was petrified for a long time. The cat finally learned to appreciate the color gray.
Amidst everything I understood and did not understand this year, I am still very thankful. Thankful for another shot at life, and for work, no matter how odd that may seem. Thankful for the people who loved me even when I was neurotic all year long, and to the people who want to love me, thank you. Thankful for everything I was able to do, the same for those I did not do. For everything I said and did not say, for all the words I wrote and chose not to write, for all the truth I believed and some I chose to ignore… because I was scared, still I am grateful.
In the past I thought 2007 was hell, but now I do not even dare call 2009 hell-er, because I am sure, as long as my chest is expanding, there will be more horror to come. But the best part is, ‘bring it on‘. Even when most days of this year just felt like my back is bent and my heart is skewed, I also felt like my spirit is on the right place.
I will leave this year behind, happier than before… and braver, not just to see life, but to devour it, or savor, as the case may be.
Prosperous 2010 everyone.