If someone would ask you straight up, “what do you really want?”, will you have a ready answer?
Recent circumstances that have been cyclical in the course of my days made me wonder if I have at least any clue on what I am doing with my life. Things happen to me again and again, and that can only mean one thing – I have not resolved my issues well. I hate all the ambivalence. It hurts to feel torn apart.
But if I am being truly honest, I guess I do have a clue… but I am scared as hell that is why I am pretending not to know. I think that has always been my problem – I am a control freak and I hate it. When security is a question, I always end up coughing out. Safe. I always have to feel safe, and I hate it.
I am all messed up because the word ‘hate’ has come up my vocabulary again. Hate is a strong word, and here I am throwing it every five minutes. With all the things that keep on popping up over and over, you may now have a very good idea on how hard headed I really am.
I have always said that I am letting go and letting God. But then again, maybe I have not been truly able to do that, and this is a test – that I am failing miserably as of the moment. I do not even know if I am making any sense.
The good news is, as days go on I feel like I may be able to do this. Well, I have not really done it, but slowly the confidence that maybe I can, is slowly settling in, though it is on a kph level of a snail.
If pain is the best teacher, then I am its favorite student. What the hell.