Lost

If someone would ask you straight up, “what do you really want?”, will you have a ready answer?

Recent circumstances that have been cyclical in the course of my days made me wonder if I have at least any clue on what I am doing with my life. Things happen to me again and again, and that can only mean one thing – I have not resolved my issues well. I hate all the ambivalence. It hurts to feel torn apart.

But if I am being truly honest, I guess I do have a clue… but I am scared as hell that is why I am pretending not to know. I think that has always been my problem – I am a control freak and I hate it. When security is a question, I always end up coughing out. Safe. I always have to feel safe, and I hate it.

I am all messed up because the word ‘hate’ has come up my vocabulary again. Hate is a strong word, and here I am throwing it every five minutes. With all the things that keep on popping up over and over, you may now have a very good idea on how hard headed I really am.

I have always said that I am letting go and letting God. But then again, maybe I have not been truly able to do that, and this is a test – that I am failing miserably as of the moment. I do not even know if I am making any sense.

The good news is, as days go on I feel like I may be able to do this. Well, I have not really done it, but slowly the confidence that maybe I can, is slowly settling in, though it is on a kph level of a snail.

If pain is the best teacher, then I am its favorite student. What the hell.

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35 thoughts on “Lost

  1. i am feeling you prinsesa. the choice between ‘being safe’ and following your heart/taking a risk is not an easy one to make.
    i am going through the same thing.
    but it gives a chance to renew yourself, or to rededicate yourself. take the time to look inside of yourself, because therein lies the answer.

  2. “what do you really want?ā€

    I think if this question is asked to find out a solution to my grievance…. and I can’t come up with a concrete answer – guess what, then I have no problem šŸ˜†

    One thing though – I’d be concerned why I have such grievance. Perhaps demons have taken over my body hehe šŸ˜‰

  3. it really is difficult to decide what we want and what to do to get what we want. maybe because everything changes so fast. i guess we all just have to keep up. šŸ™‚

  4. hi pm! this is just a test that you need to go through to make you stronger. you can do it dear. just keep the faith and don’t give up. hugs! šŸ˜›

  5. sometimes,lifes road just lead you to where you stand.if you have chosen a different path,you will never know if this was the same spot you will end up.at least,you have the confidence and belief that all this will come to pass.

    enjoy life.

    nagpahinga lang sandali sa lilim ng blog mo…

  6. I just remembered what Rowling once said: “Facing the truth is way better than succumbing yourself to any forms of evasion or denial.” or something like that…

    Don’t let hate consume you. I know it is not easy to forgive. I know the feeling. I’m even sure if I have already forgave those who had wronged me. I just face the bitterness and confront it face to face…

  7. id like to think i have a ready answer. šŸ™‚ but then there are times.. when i would ask myself whether it is what i really want or was i just influenced by the people around me..

    they say the best radar is when you feel GOOD doing whatever it is you are doing. šŸ™‚

    its ok to get lost now and then.. i feel like that most of the times.. lately. i tend to oversleep because of that. *sigh*

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