The lovely Elaine once said in a post that love will reduce you to your most pathetic self. I remember this vividly because I know what it is like. There is nothing as powerful as love to bring you ruin. There is nothing as powerful as love to make you wretched. She’s right: love will kill your insides, and outsides too, if I may add that bit.
As a response to that post, I mentioned a quote that came to mind:
Find what you love and let it kill you. Let it drain you of your all. Let it cling onto your back and weigh you down into eventual nothingness. Let it kill you and let it devour your remains. For all things will kill you, both slowly and fastly, but it’s much better to be killed by a lover.
To this, Elaine replied wittily, saying she would rather be killed by cancer than by a lover.
You know what, I am the first to say love is a motherfucker. You don’t go looking for it but it comes to you, takes your breath away, fills you with hopes and dreams, and even if you try to go against it, you will fall… But the worst part is when you are already into deep, love suddenly decides to stab you with a kitchen knife repeatedly, turns it back on you, walk away like it has never known you or cared the least, and leave you bleeding on the ground in your most pathetic lonesome.
At this point, you realize it is all a hoax; you’ve just been deceived and it is all your fault by welcoming love, by allowing yourself to indulge, by believing that by some grand universal scheme, there is this person willing to go through rings of fire all for the love of you. Sadly, you realize, you brought all the pain to yourself.
Oh, don’t get me started on the pain. Pain brought by love is no ordinary pain. It is alive. It grows by the minute, devouring you like a monster. You don’t stand a chance. It is the first thing you feel when you open your eyes and the last thing on your mind when you close them. Throughout the day, there is this agonizing awareness of loss. One time I read that nothing is real until it is gone. It is the pain that tattoos that fact onto every fiber of your being.
Sometimes you have to wonder why people still fall for love’s trap, why they do themselves in – why you do yourself in. You risk heart and limb, your ego, your soul, your everything… on the line, up for damage. It is easier to clam up, self-preservation you know? Why bother with love? It never lasts. It only hurts. Don’t even mention forever.
I guess we are all stupid, that is why. We try to reach for something more, to be better versions of ourselves. We try. We fool ourselves that trying is the first step. We get lost in a fairytale illusion. We forget that Santa Claus doesn’t exist.
Interestingly, a part of me says it is okay, hence my reaction to the first statement. Ultimately, everything sucks but for that split second of sunshine that love has brought your way, it may just be worth it. Maybe there is really no explanation for it, why love has to kill you, why love has to consume you and throw you into the dumpster once it is done. It is just the way it is.
Shit happens that we can’t control. The people that we love leave us over nothing. Life force feeds us fucking lessons we don’t want to learn. Love destroys us completely… It is not fair but there’s nothing we can do but go on. On, on, on. We feel, we fall, we recover, we don’t, but such is life.
The only consolation is that one moment of bliss, or several, many moments that are now reduced to memories. After all, life is one big moment consists of many other moments, right? At the end of it, maybe it is just a matter which ones you pick to remember, which inspires you to keep on moving forward, or otherwise. C’est la vie.