C’est La Vie


The lovely Elaine once said in a post that love will reduce you to your most pathetic self. I remember this vividly because I know what it is like. There is nothing as powerful as love to bring you ruin. There is nothing as powerful as love to make you wretched. She’s right: love will kill your insides, and outsides too, if I may add that bit.

As a response to that post, I mentioned a quote that came to mind:

My Dear,

Find what you love and let it kill you. Let it drain you of your all. Let it cling onto your back and weigh you down into eventual nothingness. Let it kill you and let it devour your remains. For all things will kill you, both slowly and fastly, but it’s much better to be killed by a lover.

Charles Bukowski

To this, Elaine replied wittily, saying she would rather be killed by cancer than by a lover.

You know what, I am the first to say love is a motherfucker. You don’t go looking for it but it comes to you, takes your breath away, fills you with hopes and dreams, and even if you try to go against it, you will fall… But the worst part is when you are already into deep, love suddenly decides to stab you with a kitchen knife repeatedly, turns it back on you, walk away like it has never known you or cared the least, and leave you bleeding on the ground in your most pathetic lonesome.


At this point, you realize it is all a hoax; you’ve just been deceived and it is all your fault by welcoming love, by allowing yourself to indulge, by believing that by some grand universal scheme, there is this person willing to go through rings of fire all for the love of you. Sadly, you realize, you brought all the pain to yourself.

Oh, don’t get me started on the pain. Pain brought by love is no ordinary pain. It is alive. It grows by the minute, devouring you like a monster. You don’t stand a chance. It is the first thing you feel when you open your eyes and the last thing on your mind when you close them. Throughout the day, there is this agonizing awareness of loss. One time I read that nothing is real until it is gone. It is the pain that tattoos that fact onto every fiber of your being.

Sometimes you have to wonder why people still fall for love’s trap, why they do themselves in – why you do yourself in. You risk heart and limb, your ego, your soul, your everything… on the line, up for damage. It is easier to clam up, self-preservation you know? Why bother with love? It never lasts. It only hurts. Don’t even mention forever.

I guess we are all stupid, that is why. We try to reach for something more, to be better versions of ourselves. We try. We fool ourselves that trying is the first step. We get lost in a fairytale illusion. We forget that Santa Claus doesn’t exist.

you didn't love her greys anatomy

Interestingly, a part of me says it is okay, hence my reaction to the first statement. Ultimately, everything sucks but for that split second of sunshine that love has brought your way, it may just be worth it. Maybe there is really no explanation for it, why love has to kill you, why love has to consume you and throw you into the dumpster once it is done. It is just the way it is.

Shit happens that we can’t control. The people that we love leave us over nothing. Life force feeds us fucking lessons we don’t want to learn. Love destroys us completely…  It is not fair but there’s nothing we can do but go on. On, on, on. We feel, we fall, we recover, we don’t, but such is life.

The only consolation is that one moment of bliss, or several, many moments that are now reduced to memories. After all, life is one big moment consists of many other moments, right? At the end of it, maybe it is just a matter which ones you pick to remember, which inspires you to keep on moving forward, or otherwise. C’est la vie.

Photos taken from here, here, and here.

30 thoughts on “C’est La Vie

  1. Pingback: Find What You Love And Let It Kill You | Prinsesa's Anatomy

  2. Hi PM! Napadpad ulit. I was drawn to this post of yours.

    Ako, I’m a believer of love…and everything that comes with it. Yes, even the pain. I’ve been hurt a couple of times, starting when I learned that my crush in grade 1 had a crush on someone else. The degree of pain varies, but still, it’s pain. And believe when when I say, I have never regretted someone I have loved.

    And despite the pain and hurt, I don’t stop loving. I may stop loving someone, but then I’ll find myself loving another one. [And I’m not referring to romantic love only.] 🙂

    Love is complicated and yet very simple. You just choose to love a person. Period. And, ika nga nila, love isn’t love until you give it away. So we’ll just keep on loving other people. 😉

    • such wonderful words, kg. you sound like someone i know. i don’t regret loving people, i just wish loving certain people didn’t feel like self-mutilation. it’s hard but i guess it’s just about finding people who are worth the effort. sometimes i tire of it, and i think that’s normal, but who knows right? while i’m not ready to put my hopes up, i know one time everything will fall into place, c’est la vie. 😉

      • Do you read Bo Sanchez PM? He said that true love is a choice. No matter the pains, the flaws, we choose to love a person. True love entails suffering and sacrifice. For example, Wendy has some quirks that make me crazy mad. But you know what? Despite these, I still love her, because I choose to! Same goes with boyfriends/husbands and friends. Diba we have friends na kahit ilang ulit tayo mag-away, in the end, friends pa din? That’s because we choose to love them 🙂

        I miss you PM. Blogger friends like you make me miss blogging. 🙂

        • i understand what you mean, kg. i’m willing to embrace all that but thing is, sometimes people still decide to reject that. no matter how much we are willing to go through hell for them, there will be times when they will not want us to, when they will not want us. in those instances, what is left to do but accept what has been done? thank you for your visit, kg. i appreciate your words a lot. they help. i miss reading your blog too.

  3. Pingback: Seriously, Somebody May Need To Fire Cupid | Prinsesa's Anatomy

  4. I completely agree with your ideologies Ms. PM. Very brilliant post! Love is great to feel, but it sucks in the end when either the fantasy comes crashing down around your ears or the other individual cannot return the feelings. Love is meant to be worth the risk – but why do the risks have to be so great? There is no forgetting the wounds and there is no healing; your heart is left but bleeding upon the floor after been stepped on by the person who was meant to hold onto the palpitating muscle for all eternity. I’d love (huh!) to say to hell with love – goodbye you dirty bastard! Love don’t live here no more! HA HA HA! But by day’s end, loneliness is the ultimate prison. I guess it just depends on where someone wants to do their time. Me? I’ve no idea. Whoever came up with the idea of love should be dragged out from wherever they are hiding by their toes and be beaten to death with a club, because this emotion is (insert a billion vulgar profanities here!). Again ma’am, great post! 😀

    • thank you, mr. childs. i guess at the end of the day it all boils down to that question: is it worth it? what sucks is one time you think it is then another you think differently. i remember a line in the fault in our stars saying you don’t get to choose if you get hurt but you do have a say in who hurts you. i know this is supposed to be inspirational shit but f i think of love in this context, it just gets more horrible. i wish i can be hard, you know? i wish i can put love in prison instead of it putting me in prison, because having it the other way around sucks, mr. childs, especially when you did not want it in the first place but you get dragged in it, only to be left behind. i wish i can beat the person who invented love with a club, as well as people who make you believe in love then kick you once it gets inconvenient.

    • you have the right to say no, lady, if that’s what you want. it’s hard and like i said, self preservation is easier. i find i’m admiring people who can do that.

      • Haha I’m just being difficult. I know I say this very often but there will be a day I will squirm (in a good way) because I am spot on in like with an actual person.

        • we are all difficult, i guess. the trick is to find – and keep – that one person who will put up with all our crap. i want to say i hope to see that day when you are squirming with delight, but a part of me is not very cheery presently and is afraid of the risks that may come with that. all the same, you know my heart is with you always, lovely lady.

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