From Fall of Giants, there is a line about the ability of some people to quickly change their feelings once it becomes inconvenient. Instinctively, you might think what a horrible thing to do! What a selfish thing to do! Well if you are at the losing end of this happening and is currently in excruciating pain, you will probably say that horrible and selfish are understatements on all accounts and rightfully so…
I can honestly think of an argument, why it should never be this way, but I find myself not wanting to bother; in fact, I’m at a position now where I’m amazed at how hard people can be to pull this off.Truth is, I’m never comfortable with hurting feelings of other people. It is completely far from wanting to please them though, just that it is tough for me to bear knowing someone is suffering because of me.
Many times, I have chosen to suffer just to protect others. I’m good at sacrificing myself, if you should know, but I don’t find it at the level of heroic or selfless, rather I’m just too soft, too weak to make the hard decision that will send pieces of a heart flying to the sky and falling down to the ground like burning snow.
Simply, I don’t like destroying people.
This is why it is fascinating for me to find people who can be hard, harboring on cruel, when it comes to getting rid of others just to salvage themselves. Self preservation has never been my strongest suite, you see. To others it comes naturally but often, I’m the over exposed nerve; I can be really naive. You may call that unassuming, trusting, even pure, but I’d advice against it. If I can, I’ll totally revamp my attitude so as not to be too pathetic and be able to defend myself.
Maybe one of my biggest problems is I tend to see why people are behaving badly. Somehow, a part of me understands selfishness. When people are scared, threatened, or pressured, they tend to do things that are not fair, they tend to do things that are irrational. But that is just the reason for it – they want to protect themselves so they must be an asshole and by some mother fucking how, I get that.
It doesn’t make anything easier but understanding why people are selfish bastards keeps me from getting angry, and in these situations, if you are not angry, you tend to suffer more because wrath is a good motivator when it comes to picking yourself up or letting go.
But if you ask me, I don’t think I will ever be capable of ditching someone because it is inconvenient. Maybe it is the psychopath in me but I have this idea that amazing things tend to be really difficult, and I’m not saying that only to justify all my complications…
A part of me says greatness needs work and it is all matter of moving forward regardless of bat shit insanity for amazing things are worth it, so you should never fucking give up, particularly when you are being honest to goodness loved. Nothing is easy anyway, but it is good to know all the suffering is worth it.
I want to tell you I’m the hopeful kind of person to have these things to say but I’m really not. There are rare instances though when something gets me believing and I can only wish it lasts, but it doesn’t. It is always funny how things turn up. But you know what they say, lessons tend to be repeated until your moron of a mind gets it. It can just be difficult when you are retarded, but we have to try, don’t we?