I have a confession to make. It was suicide, confirmed. A part of me is hysterical and hurt like never before; the other part trying to be brave, saying things have a way of turning out for the best, reminding me that this too shall pass.
Actually, I know that. No matter how bad I feel right now, for sure a time will come when the hurt will exist no more. Probably a million times, I tell myself daily that things can change. Things will change. All I have to do is hang on… Easier said than done.
I’m in doubt. It’s pathetic, the state of doubt I have been in for one too many months. This time, I am torn between letting the pain run its course, allow it to exhaust itself; or fight it, fight life, fight the world and win back one or a couple of smiles that matter so much to me.
Now that I’ve mentioned it, I feel even worse because I’m not sure whether there is a fight left in me, or whether there is something to fight for. Something tells me there is no going back and sane people do the right thing by letting go. By mentally repeating this, I am trying to fool myself into thinking this is the right way to go.
But my problem with this strategy is I don’t buy it completely. Someone told me before, if you have done the right thing, if you have made the right decision, your heart should be at peace. Mine is not. I might’ve misplaced it even. I’m almost at a point when my brain is about to split with going back and forth; so annoying.
If it is any consolation, there is one thing I am sure I learned through all of these: just because you took a chance doesn’t mean life owes you a success story, where you can gloat about how you took the risk against all odds and came out triumphant on top.
It just doesn’t work like that. When you take a chance, it is all on you; often you are the casualty but you can’t blame anybody else. You had the choice not to take a leap but you opted to do it. Bottom line: you did yourself in.
What is worse, clarity only settles in hindsight. It is tough knowing there is a way everything could have been avoided but what’s done is done. I guess the kindest thing to do is just pick up the pieces of you left and put one foot in front of the other.
If you keep on doing this even when your heart is not in it, maybe you will arrive somewhere. It may not be the place you wanted to go to at the start, but who knows, maybe it is the place you were meant to go to anyway.