Check Your Condoms

Ako ay may lobo. Lumipad sa langit. Di ko na nakita. Pumutok na pala.

I think it was a month ago. I could still remember it vividly on my mind, and now thinking about it kind of makes me laugh. In between classes, one of my classmates started a guessing game with us. She was on her way out the door when she suddenly announced, “Sige hulaan nyo kung ano ang bibilin ko. Pag nahulaan nyo, ililibre ko kayo [Guess what I’m about to buy, if you guess it right I’d treat you].” There was a funny, smart-ass look on her face. My classmates and I started guessing: “Food? Napkin? Deodorant? Test Pack?”

But we didn’t get it right, so my classmate finally declared what it was. “Condom.

We laughed. I almost had it when I said test pack. But what was funny was that I learned last night that she was pregnant. It’s fine though, she’s married. But my classmates and I had a blast teasing her on how it happened with all the condom thing and all. As a health care provider, things like these don’t make me feel uncomfortable a tiny bit. It’s normal, and funny, so I told her, “Siguro isa lang ang binili mo no tapos ginamit nyo ulit. Ano ka ba nagtitipid? Sa susunod wag ka bibili ng tingi, ang bilin mo isang box para walang problema [Maybe you only bought one piece then used it over and over. Are you some kind of cheapskate? Next time don’t buy per piece, buy a whole box so there’s no problem].” And all of us erupted into laughter. Or I thought maybe they have a pet cat and the cat managed to get his hands on that pack. You know how cats are, they love plastics and foil packs because of the noise it makes when it moves. And bam! The cat forgot to retract the claws and added a new feature to the condom: holes.

Check this out:

1. Remember that condoms are disposable, which translates to, use one per intercourse. Do not use a single condom for the whole night of 12 rounds of boxing because by the time you’re done, the condom might as well have melted into your skin. So if it’s a Friday night, it’s raining, and you think you have better things to do than sleep, don’t buy a piece of that rubber, try buying a whole box. Don’t feel bad if you weren’t able to use them all though, there’s always a next time. Just think about it as an investment.

2. Some people are allergic to latex, and you might know by now that condoms are made of latex. So before sticking it in, make sure that you are latex allergy free and so is your partner. C’mon, you don’t want your thing to swell so much you can’t take it out right? Check if you are allergic to other stuff made of latex, like gloves. If you are, keep your cool. There are other ways to be safe, than sorry.

3. I believe this is a common practice among males: placing condoms on their wallets, or back pockets. This is not really the brightest thing to do. Placing that thin sheet of rubber in your pocket where it is exposed to pressure or heat can damage it. If you put it on your wallet then slid the wallet on your back pocket, c’mon, think about it, all your weight putting pressure there. Think about what would happen if it tears…

4. If you actually like picking up girls on whatever setting there might be, do not place your stash of condoms on the bed side table when you sleep, or if you put it there do not take them back and use them some other time. I’ve seen a film, and I figured it can really happen and be done in reality. The girl and the guy hook up at the airport and did their thing. The next day, the guy was still asleep after a long baseball game but the girl was already up and about, ready to leave. And just before walking out the door, she actually punched holes on the condom packs using her earring. It was genius.

So it goes. Oh well, it’s a tricky thing, I tell you. As for my classmate, I’ll make sure I give her health teachings next time, maybe after 9 months.