Is it Okay to Date a Friend’s Ex?

As I was waiting for sandman to come, which I say was rather running pretty late last night, I was browsing old magazines I had, scattered earllier that afternoon on the bed by my sister Piapot. There was an interesting article that I forgot I’ve ever read, an interview of various boys and men than answer pretty nice-to-know questions with regards to girls. It may sound a bit childish, but I think men and women, no matter the age or the time they’ve spent together are still puzzled by the nature and behavior of each other.

There are a lot of good questions worth expanding here, but I think I’d start first with a question from that article that read, “What about dating a friend’s ex?”

There were three answers and all of these men said no. The reason: out of respect for their friend. But one was kind of unsure because after that he followed with “if I really like her I’d talk to my friend and ask for his permission.”

I thought about the question and I think my answer would be this: a friend’s ex is fair game if a. your friend is now happily married and lives somewhere far away with her wonderful hubby and chubby kids, b. they’ve been separated for a decade or so, and c. when your friend says it is okay for you to date his/her ex.

Now option C is the most complicated since you don’t really know if the okay of your friend is really okay, okay, or just okay, okay just to get it over with and avoid further discussion, especially when your friend is still single after their break-up. I say you should weigh the life of your friend first, assess her emotional status, and watch oh-so-carefully all her actions, both verbal and non-verbal when you ask about it. At least, that’s what I know of when it comes to women. I’m not really sure how it goes for men. They’re tricky creatures I tell you. I guess you never really now what is fair game for them, since they seem to have this unwritten codes of brotherhood or whatever somewhere.

How about you? Did you have any similar or the exact experience? How did you deal with it? What happened? And at the end of the day, did you find the answer to that mind-boggling question, is it okay to date a friend’s ex?

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23 thoughts on “Is it Okay to Date a Friend’s Ex?

  1. Ok, I’m 19 and I’ve made a huge mistake a while ago and slept with my best friends bf. I wasn’t trying to hurt her or anything. It was just one of those “it just happened” moments. There’s really no good reason or excuse for my actions at all and it definitely wasn’t worth it. But anyway, that happened in january. Now they’ve broken up last month and he wants me. At first I was being cautious and didn’t want to go out with him, but he kept insisting and I’m a hopeless romantic and I never like to pass up a chance at love. We have a really strong connection, but I know its still wrong. But what if he could be my one and only? Do I break up with him and never have a true love for the rest of my life? Or is it ok for me to be with him since we really do love each other?

    • it depends actually. who do you prefer more? your best friend or your boyfriend? technically there is nothing wrong because they have broken up already but your best friend might be weirded out about the whole thing. it is all a matter of timing, i guess. but if your best friend is totally over her ex boyfriend, it should not be a problem. but you should know that you are 19. what you said about breaking up with the guy and never finding true love forever may be a little over exaggerated. okay, much exaggerated. but it really is a choice. just try to toss a coin and assign an end to each side, when you flip it, the one you are hoping for it to land should be the decision you should make.

  2. Hey, you’re talking about marriage…
    I’m 16… so I’m guessing theres a diff set of rules… or at least I’M HOPING THERE IS! hahaha
    so girl goes out with boy for 4 months. break up for lots of reasons. 2 weeks after, they hook up… NOW since we’re young it’s important about how serious they were, since we’re only just starting to fall inlove… they didn’t go past 1st base… NOW it’s 3 months after they broke up. how much longer do I have to wait? He likes me… but I’m being cautious… because the girl goes to my school and is a friends with many of my friends and we getting along well.

  3. I’ve never had to ponder this particular thing in my own life, but I definitely think crushes, or even past serious crushes, are kind of dangerous territory and you have to be REALLY SURE it’s worth it. Risk v. reward, you know?

  4. piapot,
    basta ako hindi ako mahilig makipagdate.

    natez1,
    lol. i like that religion and law thing. and you make it sound so simple.

  5. Since when did religion nor law stipulate that you cannot go out witha friend’s ex? NEVER !

    In fact in the olden days and this is even affirmed in the bible, the apostle Paul exhorted single men to marry the widow of their borther who has fallen in battle.

    Going out or marrying a with a friend’s ex is absolutely OK. No need to ask permission from your friend. Their relationship is done and over – time to move on for everybody πŸ™‚

  6. hahahaha siyempre ok lang yun noh! wag ipagdamot ang iniwan na! hahaha pero siyempre bantay muna bago salakay! baka mamaya mashoot ka sa banga at magwrestling kayo ng pards mo! lol

  7. jen,
    i like that. ‘informing’ not asking permission.

    atticus,
    lol. you have a point there. lahat ay lamag tiyan!

    manilenya,
    lol! sobra ka naman! don’t be too hard to yourself.

    K,
    love option C.

    utakmunggo,
    very nice way to put it. wala ngang dapat panghinayangan, tapos na eh.

    dong hO,
    i think the respect issue is heavy when it comes to men.

    xixichigo,
    wow. i never thought of it that way.

    panaderos,
    like the sound of determination on that one.

    winkii,
    i agree. okay lang pero hindi ko din gagawin. ang lagay pinagpawisan nya na akin ang tira? lol

    ched,
    tinik na lang ipagdadamot pa ba yun? lol

    nova-san,
    i think you are very peace loving.

    dyanie,
    wow ‘let’s give it a try’. i like that.

    sandy,
    i fancy your friend who loves left-over. and to think you still call that person your friend.

    snglguy,
    or maybe as hot as Brad Pitt.

    meg,
    i think that’s the problem with most girls, not saying what they mean.

  8. ang hirap naman ng situation. lalo na ung letter c. mahirap din kasing basahin kung nagsasabi ba ng totoo ung tao o hindi e. kasi di ba ex pa rin yun. ex ng kaibigan mo. hayy.

  9. Unless she’s as hot as say, Monica Bellucci, why not? Hehe . Seriously though, I’ve never been in such sticky situation so I really wouldn’t know…

  10. Hmmm.. wala pa naman ako naging ganitong sitwasyon, buti nalang haha ;P

    pero kung magkaganun man ay ang sagot ko ay “let’s give it a try” provided that i’ll inform my friend that i’ll gonna date her ex hahaha πŸ˜›

  11. For me, I’d have to say no, it’s never okay to date a friend’s ex. There may be too many emotions still unresolved by my friend and her ex, and considering all the drama that could arise out of it, I would just rather stay away. There are enough fish out there in the sea for me to want to be with a fish that my friend has already tasted.

  12. para saken, okei lang naman. pero hindi ko yun gagawin. hehehe. πŸ˜€ kakahiya.
    uyy, pakiboto naman ako sa idol blog.
    may link sa blog ko about dun. πŸ˜€

  13. My response would be pretty much in line with what Atticus said. It all depends on the situation and on what the parties feel. I would also take time and geography out of the equation. If it feels right, I would say go for it.

  14. nice post. nakakarelate ako.

    based on experience, hindi OKAY kapag yung friend mo dinate ang ex mo o ikaw ay nakipag date sa ex ng friend mo.

    kasi parang sinabi mo na rin na, “Thank you friend at nag-break kayo ng ex mo. Ngayon akin na siya”

    Diba?

    At parang lumalabas din na habang kayo ng ex mo, yung friend mo pala may gusto na sa kanya at nung nag break kayo ng ex mo ay nakahanap siya ng pagkakataon para idate naman yung ex mo.

    para ka na rin niyang trinaydor.

    pero i don’t know about other’s experience.

    dat’s how i’ve felt when it happened to me.

    lol.

    andrama ko. πŸ˜€

  15. when your friend says it is okay for you to date his/her ex.>>> i strongly agree with this.

    permission is definitely a sign of trust and respect.

  16. is it okay to date a friend’s ex? sure manure as long as wala nang residual feelings si friend para kay ex. on the other hand, pinakawalan na naman niya diba, eh bakit pa niya paghihinayangan.

  17. Base on the (letter A) question,

    A. I think it’s perfectly OK . You’d probably say to your friend, “hey do you still remember so-en-so, well we see each other a lot we kinda hit it off..”

    B. People moved on after a break up (for some). I am sure your friend wouldn’t mind it, if she still does, you have to decide what’s more important, your friendship or the relationship.

    C. If the relationship is completely ohhh-vah’ go for it and give your friend a middle fing-gah.

    Geez, I can’t imagine I said these to you, my lovelife is close to nonexistence, hahaha.

  18. ha? i’ve been single for so long wala akong scruples. lamang-tiyan lahat iyan. di na ako mag-iinarte. susmaryosep, sayang!

    kidding aside, we know when it’s right. there are no hard and fast rules. ethics is how we feel inside. so the issue of geography and marital status of the ex should not matter. what really matters is the use of the age-old barometer: our sense of right and wrong.

    i’d make it easy on everyone by going to my ex and telling him “i like your friend, i hope you don’t mind if i date him.” usually, an ex has this tendency to turn into a nice friend after all the emotional storms that come with breaking up. they come to love you in a brotherly way. (that is, of course, if he’s not a jerk).

  19. hello! salamat sa pagdalaw sa aking blogspot!
    well… i certainly agree with your options (a-c)! this is really a case to case basis… like, if the other one is already having a new relationship and is already happy with his/her love life… i guess, dating with a friend’s ex is no longer a problem… u can also inform your friend (not actually ask for permission coz they’re already “EX”, right)… just by informing your friend is already a sign of respect to your friendship….

    thanks a lot! have a wonderful day! nice site here!!!!

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