All or nothing, or both.
I’ve been away for a long while, and it was obvious why for I’ve blabbed about it for quite some time: you know all the fuss about the out-house reviews I dabbled with a couple of months ago. No, no, it didn’t took a toll on me, I couldn’t even say I was really serious about it. But what happened, happened. You might have heard of it on the news or read it on the papers: some 1,067 nursing graduates fell victim to a review center mess thus won’t be able to take the up and coming 2008 June Nursing Licensure Board Examinations.
And I am fucking 1 out of that figure, 1,067.
It didn’t take long for the truth to sink in between my system, but somehow it stirred some strong emotions inside me. It was interesting, at one point, I was burning a hole in my cute ass, spending eight or so hours per day trying and failing to stuff my head with four years worth of how-to’s then all of a sudden, it boiled down to the fact that it was kind of useless. Well, not really useless in the long run, but at present it proved to be a waste of time. And I hated it when others waste my time. I’ve long decided that I am the only person licensed to waste my time. Funny how I used the word licensed. Jesus Christ. It was all wrong from the beginning. It was a pile of dung, me praying that I’d pass the licensure exams when all the while I should’ve been praying for at least a chance to take it. Sheesh! Are you kidding me?!
I’m not sure if it was a blessing or a curse however. Of course, I’d be crazy to say I am so ready for the board exams. I mean, nobody would claim that prior to taking, so I guess the delay would buy me more time to cram – if I’d have the itch to review at least in time for November; but at the same time, it’s disgusting knowing that sure, I didn’t fail but what the hell, I didn’t even get to try!
But I’m not about to extend the damage done to me by this circumstance by being a rotten tomato for five or six months, nor would I exacerbate the 50,000 neuron destruction per day occurring on my head by constantly over analyzing what the fuck happened. No matter how uncharacteristic of me, I guess the best and most logical thing to do is face this situation as real as possible without any regret, that would lead me nowhere for sure. Though what happened is disgustingly irritating, I would accept this as a challenge to do better in the second season and as a test of faith. In the middle of an unbelievable quarter life crisis, all of the impossible things happening to me, I leave to the Absolute to make possible, that in the long run things would turn out as necessary evils and it’ll be better – no, great for me in the end. Now that’s inspiring.
But I guess, for a moment, it won’t be too much if I wallow in some hate that I brewed inside me.
So what the hell, I was fucking victimized!
And for once, I horribly hated it that it wasn’t my fault!