I Need To Be Okay That It’s Not Okay

life

Someone asked me if I’m afraid of failing that’s why my dreams get stuck. I said no, that’s not it, but upon further contemplation, I may have lied.

Truth is, for years, I’ve been an over achieving prick who have gotten things way too easy. Not that I’m ungrateful or anything, but it dawns on me how little I’ve tried to do in life simply because I’ve taken pride in staying on the safer side of things so I’m assured I win. Always.

It made me feel smart, you know? How I play with my strengths and how I avoid trouble I don’t need. Everything’s planned and stable. I know what happens next and if anything uncertain looms, I make sure to veer away. Who needs the hassle?

Turns out, I need the hassle because it stimulates growth and learning. Never had I thought being stable is one of the worst things that can ever happen to you. I realized things don’t have to be okay all the time and it’s impossible for things to be okay all the time. More important, I must learn to be okay when it’s not okay.

I can try sensible and senseless shit and fail in one or both and that’s okay. I can make great and ridiculous mistakes and hurt myself and people that I love and that’s okay. I can make a freaking and beautiful mess and figure it all out later and that’s okay. I don’t have to be okay and worried all the time that something wrong will happen. If I don’t move at all, nothing will happen!

Maybe it all boils down to trust. Trust that I’ll be okay even when it’s not okay. Trust that things happen for a reason and often for the best. Trust that I need to let go so things fall into place. Trust that I don’t have to be in control all the time and it won’t cause the death of entire civilizations.

I need to try even when I’m afraid of failing. Particularly when I’m scared shitless of failing. Essentially, I have to let myself go. Essentially, I have to take a chance on myself. Essentially, I have to believe in who I am and what I’m made of. Essentially, I have to get a life.

It’s okay. I’ll be fine.

Photo taken from here.

11 thoughts on “I Need To Be Okay That It’s Not Okay

  1. No pain, no gain. That’s well and good. But if I can gain without hurting myself, that’s where I’ll go. it’s better to be a living hero than a dead one….. Ha ha Don’t mind me, Cynical is my middle name.

    • that’s true. i think like that many times too. however, i’m sure it’ll be pretty hard to live a life where we can learn things without experiencing pain. i guess it’s part of the process. it helps us grow.

    • hi eirene, it’s kind of crazy, isn’t it? oh well, i guess we have to do what we have to do. hey, this is your comment that goes into my spam folder. idk why.😦

  2. Nobody wants to fail, PM, and we all try to avoid trouble. That;s just normal. If we think something is doomed to failure, no matter what, why even go there? Life is short. We don;t need unnecessary aggravation. Face trouble headlong, if you must, but if you can avoid it, then so much better.

    • good advice, ren. think this is more about trying, about taking a chance. most times i find i over think and scare myself out of trying new things and having new experiences. i realized life must be lived and mistakes will happen for sure and if they do that’s okay, at least i tried to reach for something more.

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