I Need To Be Okay That It’s Not Okay

Someone asked me if I’m afraid of failing that’s why my dreams get stuck. I said no, that’s not it, but upon further contemplation, I may have lied.

Truth is, for years, I’ve been an over achieving prick who have gotten things way too easy. Not that I’m ungrateful or anything, but it dawns on me how little I’ve tried to do in life simply because I’ve taken pride in staying on the safer side of things so I’m assured I win. Always.

It made me feel smart, you know? How I play with my strengths and how I avoid trouble I don’t need. Everything’s planned and stable. I know what happens next and if anything uncertain looms, I make sure to veer away. Who needs the hassle?

Turns out, I need the hassle because it stimulates growth and learning. Never had I thought being stable is one of the worst things that can ever happen to you. I realized things don’t have to be okay all the time and it’s impossible for things to be okay all the time. More important, I must learn to be okay when it’s not okay.

I can try sensible and senseless shit and fail in one or both and that’s okay. I can make great and ridiculous mistakes and hurt myself and people that I love and that’s okay. I can make a freaking and beautiful mess and figure it all out later and that’s okay. I don’t have to be okay and worried all the time that something wrong will happen. If I don’t move at all, nothing will happen!

Maybe it all boils down to trust. Trust that I’ll be okay even when it’s not okay. Trust that things happen for a reason and often for the best. Trust that I need to let go so things fall into place. Trust that I don’t have to be in control all the time and it won’t cause the death of entire civilizations.

I need to try even when I’m afraid of failing. Particularly when I’m scared shitless of failing. Essentially, I have to let myself go. Essentially, I have to take a chance on myself. Essentially, I have to believe in who I am and what I’m made of. Essentially, I have to get a life.

It’s okay. I’ll be fine.

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Photo taken from here.

The Dark Side Of The Moon

It was a black night. I remember staring at the window, wondering who closed the sky, who banished all the stars. Light rain trickled outside, breaking the thick darkness that seemed never ending. I’m pretty sure I’m about to philosophize on life, the setting called for it, but all thought abandon me when I saw her.

Something’s wrong. She’s always prided herself for being a good liar but I knew her too well. Her smile didn’t reach her eyes, her eyes had that universe-collapsing-help-me look. I turned to the window once more and my eyes searched the evening. Could her agony be causing all this?  

“Weird night, huh?” There’s another fake smile. I nod and start making tea. Maybe if I didn’t face her, it would be easier for her to let it out – whatever it is – but I finish with the two cups and she has yet to budge.

“Here,” I hand her the cup. “With organic honey. It’s very good.” Her icy fingertips touched mine as she took it and I noticed the shaking of the cup that she tried and failed to hide. I’m not certain how long we sat in silence but when she finally told me what’s wrong, I wish she hadn’t.

“I couldn’t remember his smile.” Her voice was controlled panic and her gaze went to the ceiling, probably worried it would collapse on her once she put the truth out there. “I’m sitting there looking out the window to the blackest of nights and it occurred to me his smile has vanished from my memory. His smile that I adore. His smile that meant the world to me.”

She’s talking about him in past tense. What did that mean? I couldn’t bring myself to reply for I fear the answer myself so I just nodded again, willing her to go on.

“I’m scared to death.”

I closed my eyes, the words stabbing me hard I had to rub my hand on my chest. There’s no physical wound but I knew I’m bleeding. My gaze returned to her, the lady the reflection of my own. Her last words echoing amidst the hollow that I’ve become.

Lightning ruptured outside and for a moment it all went dark, the absence of light seeping under my skin I thought it’s consuming me. When it returned, I’m alone again, the coming storm intensifying.

—

Photo taken from here.

The Shadow Of The Wind Book Review: As Rich As Your Favorite Cake

Book no. 10: The Shadow of the Wind by Carlos Ruiz Zafon. This is a random buy; the book leapt from the most bottom shelf at the book store and I fell in love with it fast. I’d normally look up titles before getting them but with this one it just happened and I’m so glad!

What it is: The story is similar to the book discussed within it titled The Shadow of the Wind: “about accursed books, about the man who wrote them, about a character who broke out of the pages of a novel so that he could burn it, about a betrayal and a lost friendship. It’s a story of love, of hatred and of the dreams that lived int he shadows of the wind.” Pretty much, Daniel got so engrossed in chasing a book and confused it with his life that the two eventually got tangled inevitably.

Mainly, it’s about life and growth, the birth and death of dreams. young love and broken hearts, plus the most brilliant human ability to hold on to the things that hurt us. I fancied the importance it places on memory, on how it changes the value of a moment, on its huge impact on the present – it’s beautiful.

What I liked about it most though is how The Shadow of the Wind talked about the lust for writing, reading, and books; that there are people who take care of books and honor them the right way. My heart swells thinking of the cemetery of forgotten books and I can only hope to see such a place and get lost and be found.

What I liked about it: It’s incredible – a seductive story with brilliant setting and rich narration which is every bit like diving into an immaculate red velvet cake. The sharp storytelling lifts your feet and transports you deep into the many subplots of the book as if it’s a Russian doll with never ending secrets to tell. I love the writing really; it captured my imagination, which doesn’t happen mos times. I rank this next to The Book Thief and Fall of Giants, the best books I’ve recently read.

The Shadow of the Wind is so dynamic it’s too easy to let go and believe in it, in the characters, in the story. It’s highly convincing, how the story encapsulated life, and even if it’s high drama I didn’t feel like following a soap opera.

In the book, many kinds of love are explored but what I liked most is the story of Nuria Monfort. The narration makes you believe it’s that of unrequited love but somehow I’m uncertain if such a thing exists. Isn’t it that love is always reciprocated, maybe just not the way we want it to be? I love this description about her too: “Nuria Monfort was like a mirage: you don’t question its veracity, you simply follow it until it vanishes or until it destroys you.”

Another powerful concept about The Shadow of the Wind that I appreciate is that on hope. Since it dissected dreams, hope’s sure to make an appearance. This is what it said: “Hope is cruel and has no conscience.” Just keeping it real, I like that, that it didn’t make hope sound like a fanciful unicorn.

The villain, Fumero, is also worth hating. His character’s well constructed as that of the main characters. He makes sense though he’s a total psycho, unlike the pathetic Amy Elliot Dunne from Gone Girl. What a joke.

What I didn’t like about it: I figured who Lain Coubert is too easy and the conclusion of the love life of Daniel is a bit cheesy that it merited my roll eyes, but other than that I’ve no complaints. The Shadow of the Wind is phenomenal!

Recommended for: book lovers, fans of historical fiction, pretty much anybody who wants a good read, make sure you read The Shadow of the Wind.

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Photos taken from here and here.

Bad Poetry Weekend #15: I’m Scared To Death

The first time I listened to this song, I thought it’s foreign and it’s kind of awesome it isn’t. I feel it reflects this Bad Poetry Weekend piece nicely and you can listen to it first before you read the following lines.

Tell me, what can be sadder than knowing your heart is breaking and the only thing you can do is watch it fall apart? What can be sadder than going all the way only to fall short when it mattered? What can be sadder than loving when it doesn’t matter?

Giving up. Yes, giving up.

The Conclusion Nobody Wanted

One day
I’ll learn to accept
I’m not enough for you
and I’ll be gone.

You’ll continue
to smile without me
and I’ll keep on trying
without you.

Forget me
you will and I’ll remember
you’re the best
I never had.

I tried
and failed;
maybe you did too
and I’m in denial.

My love,
I hope you find
what you’re looking for
one day.

—

Photos taken from here.

I’d Like To Buy Two Packs Of Belief Please. PLEASE.

“I love it. You should finish it.”

“I can’t.”

“You can. You cannot not finish now. You have put so much effort into it and have enjoyed getting to where you’re at.”

“I know, but I stopped, just like that.”

“Okay, why did you stop? What’s stopping you?”

“I don’t know.”

“C’mon, you must know.”

“My blog friend told me these things are a matter of belief.”

“And?”

“And nothing. That’s what he said.”

“You’re telling me half of what he said.”

“If I tell you half of things, it means I don’t know the other half. But that’s it. These things are a matter of belief and I have always had issues with that, like I told you before.”

“You can do it! You. Can. Do. It.”

“I know, but I can’t.”

“Maybe you just need a kick start to get the inspiration. Go back, read everything, and your head will buzz with ideas. Do it now. You’ll probably stay up until 6AM and finish it.”

“I won’t finish it. You have to believe me.”

“Okay, you have to harden up and finish it like the professional that you are.”

“Okay… No, I can’t. I read the entire thing. I didn’t feel well after.”

—

Photo taken from here.

What Love Shouldn’t Feel Like

Funny, when I think of love the first thing that comes to my mind is “Oh, God.” Seriously. Not that I’m a bitter young woman who wishes to rip her heart out her chest and put it in an icebox for safe keeping or anything but…

Hmm… okay, I’ve said that one time; maybe that wasn’t the best way to explain it. Let me rephrase.

Not that I’m a bitter young woman who wishes never to fall in love again but it seems I’ve been burned enough to realize love isn’t all hearts and flowers but more of spears, shards, band aids, and pain killers. I don’t drink but vodka may be added to that list, be my guest.

Just that earlier I read an article regarding what love should feel like. While I recognize love is a motherfucker sensation unique to whoever experiences it, I found the entire thing leaning towards the fanciful unicorn sort. I’m no expert on what love should feel like but it did make me ponder what love shouldn’t feel like.

Here goes:

• Love shouldn’t feel like an obligation, or a death sentence. It should be natural like the way rain falls on a Friday afternoon, washing the earth and inspiring quiet moments of contentment. It should not be wrapped by guilt but by free will and respect for the other person. Once that guilt sinks in, something is wrong. You never stay with people because you are bound to. You stay with people because they inspire you. They help you grow. They make you happy.
• Love shouldn’t feel like a breakfast of rainbows all the time or an over abundance of cheese on nachos every day. A person who thinks every day being okay is a good sign is a fool. It may mean stagnation, a staleness out of bad habits. If you don’t fight at all, chances are, you don’t communicate enough. Love is an entire range of emotions and hate is one of them. Do you know the song True Love by Pink? That’s a pretty close description. There’s no such thing as a perfect love, perfect person, or perfect relationship. Why? Not sustainable.
• Love shouldn’t feel like following a grocery list. There are no rules. This is the truth. Love should be free. No names. No labels. No gender. No age. No race. No nothing. At the end of the day, it boils down to whether you have the feeling or you don’t. That concentration of feeling, that connection, is all that matters. One reason why there are many unhappy people or couples out there is that they limit themselves with a fixed notion of what love should look like. They focus on the grocery list society has created as if it’s society to be trapped into that relationship.

 

• Love shouldn’t feel like Sunday morning. It’s more of the coming of the weekend, giving you a buzz, making the wheels turn within your head, kicking your heart until it resembles a mad rabbit doing drugs. Love doesn’t have to come easy. Often, the most rewarding are those challenging, suicide leaps because you get to savor so much, not just how you feel, but the aspect of transformation that comes with it. It’s like the return of the lights after a blackout.
• Love shouldn’t feel like an option, or a switch you can turn on or off. It should be powerful, something that sets you in motion. The kind that leaves you helpless. The kind that consumes you and appeals to your most organic self, like an inexplicable and  massive gravitational pull and you’re gone. Non negotiable. Who’s that guy who said if isn’t crazy, it isn’t love? It’s probably because the feeling’s so alive even if you want to fight it and go into a different direction, you can’t. Even if it’s crazy, you stick with it because it’s love and you are bat shit in love whether you freaking admit it or not.
• Love shouldn’t feel like a three-legged chair or a secret ingredient soup with a missing secret ingredient. It should be enough. There shouldn’t be an emptiness or a disconnect. No floating in the air feeling for questionable reasons. No restlessness that weighs heavy on your back. Love should complete you.

—

Photos taken from here.

WILTT #13: All I Here’s Blah Blah Blah

Do you listen to songs in another language you don’t understand? Don Domeng always complains about the big K-Pop craze here saying it’s ridiculous how people patronize music without knowing what it’s saying. 😆 I’ve got nothing against K-Pop but I’m not a fan, probably because I’m more of a lyric person, but I must admit I do listen to some Thai songs, after someone explains the lines to me that is.

In this list, I’ve included songs in Tagalog. They’re pretty cool, broken heart theme mostly. Give them a go if you can be bothered, pick one that speaks to your subconscious, and I’ll tell you what it says exactly. I imagine the exercise fun, some mystery for you, you know?

The one by Pink I found myself LSS throughout the day, maybe because the lyrics fascinate me so, hilarious. I even found myself asking is it really the case, hating someone so much and still staying because of true love? I reckon stupidity may be a possible reason too, don’t you agree? 😆

What I Listened to Today #13: All I Here’s Blah Blah Blah

1. Secrets by Alexa Woodward

2. Okay Lang Ako by Parokya ni Edgar

3. Pag Ayaw Mo Na by Yeng Constantino

4. Lips Of An Angel by Hinder

5. Limang Dipang Tao by Barbie’s Cradle

6. Sorry Song by Barbie Almalbis

7. Wag Kang Magtatanong by Yeng Constantino

8. Pagalis by Barbie Almalbis

9. Goodbye My Shadow by Barbie Almalbis

10. True Love by Pink

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Photos taken from here and here.

Gone Girl Book Review: Maybe I’ll Just Marry Bacon

Book number 9: Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn. I read this last month but my inspiration to write about it equals the interest of a bird to play the piano. 😆

What it is: The book is supposed to be a mystery or thriller of some sort, divided into two parts. It opens up with a crime scene where the wife goes missing and the rest of the story is a quest to find out WTF happened. Naturally, the husband gets all the blame and as you go along, the real mystery unravels about the characters and their lives.

What I liked about it: I liked the bit where husband and wife tried to outwit each other. Their personalities are created quite well too, consistent throughout. The frame up bit’s clever that you tend to go with it but I just didn’t buy it that much. Hmm… maybe Gone Girl is a statement, that there is no such thing as perfect people or perfect marriages, that it is all a joke. Maybe. Or people go crazy when they become unemployed? I really didn’t get it. 😆 Well at least the description of the setting is nice and the emotions are believable, at least some of it.

What I did not like about it: What is the point of Gone Girl? Don’t marry a psycho bitch? Don’t be a cheating husband with no back bone? Don’t hope for justice because people just get away with their shit in real life? WHAT?? Seriously, someone tell me. I rarely regret the time I spend reading books but this is one of those rare times I do. I felt I’m watching a bad soap opera a la Wuthering Heights.

The opening scene told me who did it and as I go along, I remember telling myself, “Please be wrong or this will truly suck” but oh well, I’m right. I felt bad that there is no sense of justice in the ending too. I mean, I like tragedies but this one really left a bad taste in my mouth. Is the author British? The ending went down like With One Lousy Free Packet of Seed. The kind where you blurt, “Are you freaking kidding me?”

Recommended for: mystery and psycho thriller fans (though the best one I like is the classic And Then There Were None) or if you want to help me and tell me what Gone Girl is trying to say.

—

Photos taken from here.

Don’t We All Know The Fault In Our Stars

I.

Making decisions too early or too late.

II.

Creating walls and rejecting possibilities because we choose to live in the past.

III.

Never wanting what we have but change our minds once we lose it.

IV.

Following the rules of society at the expense of our own happiness.

V.

Not believing in others simply because we can’t believe in ourselves.

VI.

Being unfair out of selfishness.

VII.

Fooling ourselves into saying things we don’t believe in and knowing how we feel but don’t stand up for it.

VIII.

Chasing after ridiculous things for no reason; not chasing after what’s important because of fear.

IX.

Settling.

X.

Wasting our chances; not giving other people a chance.

XI.

Lying to ourselves so we feel better or worse.

XII.

Not living to the point there is nothing left to die within us.

—

Photo taken from here.

Bad Poetry Weekend #14: Why All Good Things Come To An End

There’s a line in The Picture of Dorian Gray that says only shallow love endures, for the great ones exhaust themselves in their own deep passion. I imagine it a burning fire devouring paper until nothing remains, until nothing’s left for consumption.

We’re all guilty of that one time or another, yet when we reach the end, we complain endless without realizing the fault of our hand. I guess some things are just too much; some things are just meant for a moment, particularly when it’s sensational.

Good things never last. If they did, we won’t appreciate them as they deserve, won’t we?

The Final Sunrise

I’m leaving.
Because it’s exhausting waiting for
Water to turn into wine.

You’ll never change. I’ll never be enough.
This is no fairy tale,
Even if I want to believe it…

Believe in you.
Believe in us.
Belief does not make anything right.

It hurts to accept it,
But I can’t live with less
Than I deserve.

I’m leaving.
I’m telling you now
For you might not even notice I’m gone.

—

Photos taken from here and here.